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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29807829">hey, barista</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cascountsdeansfreckles/pseuds/cascountsdeansfreckles'>cascountsdeansfreckles</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops &amp; Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Basically, Castiel is a Novak (Supernatural), Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Grief/Mourning, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Openly Bisexual Dean Winchester, Openly Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Social Media, Texting, after literally one chapter so i’m tagging it, bc it got away from me very fast, but only at the beginning, cas and kelly are best friends, caskelly i miss you come home, very briefly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 18:21:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>28,749</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29807829</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cascountsdeansfreckles/pseuds/cascountsdeansfreckles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>we were together. i forget the rest.</p><p>-walt whitman</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hey y’all !! so i posted hey barista as a social media au on twitter a long time ago now, but i just decided to adapt it into a fic. you can read the original here:</p><p>https://twitter.com/mylovecas/status/1281110984778809344?s=21</p><p>that being said, there are a lot of scenes in this version that were not included in the original, so even if you’ve read hey barista before, there’s a lot of new content here.</p><p>cas goes by he/they pronouns, and kelly goes by she/they :)</p><p>i did this mostly unbeta’d, so please comment below if there’s any huge errors. i hope you all enjoy :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Nah, I can’t come tonight. I’ve got to drop Sam off at soccer, and then I’ve got a mountain of shit to catch up on,” Dean says, phone pressed to his ear as he fills up a water bottle and sets it next to Sam’s soccer bag. There’s a fifty percent chance the kid’ll forget it anyway, but at least this way he can’t blame anyone but himself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That sucks,” Charlie replies, sounding like she’s only half-listening. “It’s summer.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, well, that’s what happens when you tank a class. I need the credits.” He grabs the car keys and flips them in his hand a few times before grabbing the phone and holding it away from his ear. “Sammy! Get your ass down here or I’m leaving without you and you can walk to practice.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The sound of thundering footsteps tells Dean that his message has been received.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You should do your homework stuff at that coffee shop--what’s it called--Smokey Row. It’s right across from the fields and one of the guys who works there is, like, totally adorable. Well, in my objective, lesbian opinion, anyway,” Charlie rambles. Dean rolls his eyes but grabs his bag from the table and slings it over his shoulder. Why not? It’s less driving for him, and a bit of eye candy wouldn’t hurt to lessen the blow of the fact that Charlie and Benny are going to a movie while he does </span>
  <em>
    <span>math</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, maybe I will,” he says. Sam appears in the kitchen, hopping on one foot as he pulls on a shin guard, a headband haphazardly pulled over his hair to keep it out of his eyes. “You know, if you’d let me shave that off--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Charlie asks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not you, dumbass. I gotta go.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Peace out, bitch,” she says, completely untroubled by his rudeness. Dean pockets the phone and gives Sam an appraising look. He looks ready, for the most part.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good to go?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yep,” Sam says cheerily, grabbing his bag off of the floor and scooping his shoes up as he goes. Dean sighs inwardly as the front door slams shut. He picks up the forgotten water bottle on his way out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>------</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>whore gang</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: can’t believe ur not coming tonight dean</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: just blow off your hw for one night</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>blowing off my homework to hang out with yall is how i got into this position in the first place. besides, i wanna see this cute barista charlie talked about. Flirting with cute boys makes me feel better about doing calculus homework in the middle of july.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: like you’re gonna have the balls to flirt w him. ur version of flirting with lee and cassie was to stare at them until they talked to you first. </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>….yo</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: he’s not wrong. </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>now im gonna flirt with him even harder just to spite u</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: i’ll believe it when i see digits</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>fine. i’ll get his phone number. let’s make it a bet.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: deal. loser buys lunch at the roadhouse tomorrow</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>deal. </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>---</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Dean walks into the coffee shop, his laptop bag slung over his shoulder and his textbook in his hand, he thinks it’s empty. It’s definitely void of customers, which isn’t unusual for a coffee shop at five in the evening, but he doesn’t even see any employees. The ‘open’ sign over his shoulder is definitely glowing. He sets his things on a table by the window so he’ll be able to see when Sam’s practice is over and wanders up to the counter, his hands stuffed in his pockets.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, hello?” he calls, rocking back on his heels and trying to peer around the corner to the back of the shop.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He expects a moderately cute boy to poke his head around the corner. What he definitely doesn’t expect is for a pair of bright blue eyes under fussed black hair to pop up right in front of him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah! Fuck!” He jumps back, covering his hammering heart with his hand. The boy behind the counter grins a pretty, lopsided thing and tilts his head apologetically.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry. I was trying to clean out the-“ he gestures vaguely at the spot where he had been crouched down. “Anyway, I didn’t hear you come in. I absolutely did not mean to give you such a fright.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stares at him. Original shock factor aside, this guy is </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> cute. He’s a freakin’ angel. He’s almost as tall as Dean, with wide shoulders and big hands and a tongue that pokes out to wet his lips as he waits for Dean to regain his ability to speak.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s not an angel, Dean decides as he approaches the counter again, he’s a god.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” he mutters, coming back down to earth enough to feel embarrassed about his reaction. “I didn’t mean to drop the f-bomb in the middle of a coffee shop.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, well,” the barista glances around the empty shop, his mouth quirking at one side, “all of our patrons seem pretty offended.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Right.” Dean curses himself. He can’t even have a normal conversation with the guy, how is he supposed to get his </span>
  <em>
    <span>number</span>
  </em>
  <span>?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What can I get you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shit. He has to order something. His mind goes completely blank, so he blurts out the first thing he can remember Charlie ordering at Starbucks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll just take a-uh-a vanilla cappuccino..?” It sounds like a question, which makes the guy chuckle again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not a big coffee drinker?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Dean confirms, rubbing the back of his neck. He briefly considers just apologizing and walking right back out of the shop, but the dark-haired boy takes pity on him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, it’s like ninety degrees out. And cappuccinos are hot. I don’t think you want that.” He turns his back on Dean to look at the menu above his head, leaning back against the counter slightly. Dean is thankful that he can’t see him. His cheeks are burning. “Hm. Do you trust me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh,” Dean responds smartly. He seems to take that as a yes as he turns to face Dean again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to make you my specialty drink. Nobody else here can make it. And it’s on the house since I took a couple of years off of your life with my dramatic entrance.” And then he </span>
  <em>
    <span>winks</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Dean gives him his name to write on the cup, and practically floats back to his table.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>whore gang</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>CHARLIE???</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>YOU SAID HE WAS CUTE?!?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: he is cute..</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>no?? he’s a sex god there’s a DIFFERENCE. THIS BET ISN’T FAIR ANYMORE.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: i think i’ll get a chocolate shake at the roadhouse to go with my double patty burger. </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>LAFITTE STFU. IF U COULD SEE THIS GUY..</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>HIS HAIR??/?123@!#@$#$# AND HIS EYES WHY ARE THEY SO BLUE. </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: sorry kid u made the bet fair and square</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>you guys.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>he’s.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>oh my god. ok fine. i’ll get his number. </b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Half an hour later, Dean is staring at a string of numbers alright. But it’s not the phone number of god-barista-man. It’s his stupid calculus homework and none of it makes a lick of sense. It doesn’t help that he’s still the only customer in the whole joint, because the barista doesn’t seem to have any problem openly staring at him as he works. It’s a bit of an ego boost that the guy finds him so easy to look at, but it’s more distracting than anything else. Dean only gets things done when he goes to the back of the shop. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Forty-five minutes. He has finished two problems. God-barista-man is humming to himself. Dean has had enough.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, barista?” He cringes immediately. That was so rude. God-barista-man doesn’t seem to care all that much, he just pauses his humming and wanders over to Dean’s table. “Sorry. I didn’t catch your name. Earlier. I was flustered.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, god. Stop talking.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Castiel. And it’s alright, I’ve been called worse,” god-barista-man, Castiel, glances at his textbooks with casual interest. “What can I help you with?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Calculus,” Dean mutters, only half-joking. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> call him over to ask him if he has any idea what the hell an ‘integral’ is.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I took calc in high school, I could try to help.” Castiel grabs the chair across from Dean and plops down on it, pulling his notebook and textbook toward him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I took my senior year off of math,” Dean tells him, pressing his palms into his eyes. “And then freshman year. And sophomore year, I failed.” Castiel laughs, grabbing Dean’s highlighter and marking an equation in his notebook.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to be a junior as well. Where do you go to school?” He’s distracted by the work, but Dean likes it better that way. He feels too much pressure when those blue eyes are staring into him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kansas.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kansas State,” Cas says by way of response. Then, he flips the notebook around and points out the highlighted parts, leaning over the table so close that Dean can smell his aftershave, which mixes handsomely with the scent of coffee beans that lingers on his skin. “This is what you need to start with. You’re skipping it and trying to do it at the end, see? But then you don’t have enough information to get through the problem. That’s why you’re getting stuck.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean tries to pay attention. He really, really does. But Castiel is looking down at the notebook and it gives him time to stare. He catches bits and pieces, enough to know that Castiel would be a great tutor. And that’s when it hits him. This is his opportunity.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“...so then you carry that one,” Castiel is explaining patiently, “which then sets you up to finish the problem--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Castiel,” Dean interrupts. He looks up from the page, startled, blue eyes searching Dean’s face. His lips part as he tilts his head. For one crazy, stupid moment, Dean almost skips every step in between and leans forward to kiss him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do I need to slow down?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I have your number?” Castiel blinks, and then his cheeks flush pink. It’s the first time Dean has flustered him instead of the other way around, and he feels a bit triumphant under the nervousness. “I’m just--I’m a lost cause with this. And the way you explain it makes more sense to me than my stupid ass professor.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The words hang between them for a horrible moment, and then Castiel reaches across the table and grabs Dean’s arm. Before he knows what is happening, Castiel is scribbling with the highlighter on his arm.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s paper right there, dude,” Dean objects, but he gets ignored as a neon yellow smiley face punctuates the phone number on his inner arm. “I have my phone too, you could’ve just put it in there.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cas raises an eyebrow at him, unimpressed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want our story to be that boring, Dean?” Before Dean can process the question, someone walks in the door and Cas jumps to his feet to take their order.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>whore gang</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>guess who is paying for lunch?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: NOT YOU??</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>i got game</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: wow. respect. </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: benny ur paying &lt;3 i didn’t make the bet</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>cas hate squad</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>CAS HATE SQUAD!!!</b>
  <b>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>gabriel: you called?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>a cute boy asked for my number at work..giggles</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>balthazar: i leave u in charge for one shift and u hit on the customers?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>he hit on ME.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: YES CASTIEL GET IT</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>----</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>cas hate squad</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>gabriel: so basically u just had the worst one night stand ever?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: yes. with my BOSS.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>not to interrupt this thrilling analysis of kelly’s sex life but the guy from yesterday still hasn’t texted me</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: he just doesn’t want to seem too eager</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>balthazar: or he lost your number somehow.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>gabriel: or he simply isn’t going to text you.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>thank you all so much that’s awesome rly</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: i was helpful..?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>gabriel: what do you want us to do cassie?? go find him and make him hit you up?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>yes. </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>balthazar: no. </b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>----</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean slaps Charlie’s hand away from his fries, but she just reaches with the other hand and snags a few anyway. He glares at her as she makes a face at him, stuffing his fries into her mouth.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So,” Benny says, setting his credit card on the check with a grimace, “are we sure he gave you a real number?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Oh. Dean hadn’t thought about that before.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I think so.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Only one way to find out,” Charlie urges, glancing at his phone pointedly. But Dean is suddenly very aware of the fact that he could be setting himself up to get embarrassed in front of his friends if Cas really did give him the wrong number.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“C’mon, just text him,” Benny insists, nudging him. Dean relents, opening his phone and staring at the contact. He types out at least three different greetings and deletes all of them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>hey barista :)</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They all go silent as they watch his phone, waiting for a response. Charlie cranes her neck to watch. Dean holds his breath as a typing bubble pops up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>castiel: hello, dean.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Charlie cheers and Benny gives him a celebratory pat on the back. He pretends not to be grinning as he types out a response.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>so..i have a calc assignment due next week. it’s on the same stuff that u helped me with and i’m still a little lost.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>not that you weren’t good at explaining!! i was just a little distracted.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>cas: it can be hard to focus while you’re trying to figure out how to ask for someone’s number.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean goes pink, and Benny laughs at him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>well. anyways. any chance you’re working thursday and could help me out?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>cas: i am</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>cool. i’ll stop by and get another one of your specialty drinks then :)</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>cas: i look forward to it.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Awesome,” Dean mutters. Benny and Charlie have already been sucked into some different conversation with each other, but Dean just stares at the texts and chews on his lip to keep from smiling too wide. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I propose,” Benny says loudly, bringing Dean back into the conversation, “that we get royally smashed to celebrate Dean actually succeeding in the romance department.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I second the proposal,” Charlie agrees.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Third,” Dean confirms. Benny watches mournfully as the waitress picks up his credit card and takes it to the register. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>----</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean: heyyy barista</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas glances at his phone in surprise. He hadn’t been expecting to hear from Dean again so soon.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kel,” Cas nudges her and she tears her gaze away from the TV screen. She raises her eyebrows when he shows her the notification.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Too many y’s,” she declares before turning her attention back to the movie.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do I do?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I dunno. See what he wants.” He has completely lost her interest. He sighs, pulling up his messages. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>i’m beginning to think that you’ve forgotten my name. </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean: how dare you suggest such a thing casteel</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>so close. did you need something?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean: i donr remember :0</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>are you drunk texting me?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean: i’m not that kind of girl, cas.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>you’re drunk texting me.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean: guilty as charged.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>im flattered. drink some water.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas grins at his phone before setting it to the side and trying to focus on the movie. Kelly rolls her eyes at him when he just smiles blankly at the screen, his phone clutched in his hand, waiting for a response. After a while, he begins to get nervous. Dean hasn’t said anything, and he was definitely typing at one point. One double text won’t hurt, they decide.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>wellness check</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean: he’s fine. passed out a little while ago.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>who is this?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean: benny</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas frowns at his phone. Who is Benny, and why do they have Dean’s phone while he’s asleep? They must have his password. That’s fairly intimate.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>oh, well, that explains everything then.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean: you can relax. we’re just friends.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<ol>
<li><b> that’s good.</b></li>
</ol>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They curse, watching the message send and beginning to type again immediately.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>i mean, not that i care. i just met him.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean: mhm.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Refusing to dignify that with a response, Cas sets their phone aside for good and crosses their arms. Maybe they’d been a </span>
  <em>
    <span>little</span>
  </em>
  <span> jealous. But they really have only just met him, it was just a passing feeling.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>----</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You guys let me </span>
  <em>
    <span>text him</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Dean groans for the sixth time that morning. Benny pats his back sympathetically.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We tried to tell you no, dude. You were insistent.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“On the bright side,” Charlie says, annoyingly chipper for someone with a hangover, “they were definitely jealous when Benny was texting them from your phone. So.” She shrugs, grinning at him. Dean buries his face in his hands and mourns his dignity. Thursday will be a blast. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>----</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean flushes pink and clutches his coffee while Castiel laughs at him, the calculus book forgotten on the table. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why did you put so many y’s?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Cas. Tequila is a wicked thing.” He can’t even find it in himself to be annoyed that Cas laughs harder at that. He would embarrass himself a million times over if it meant he could sit and watch Castiel laugh. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Tequila?</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey.” Balthazar, Castiel’s manager, snaps his fingers loudly to get their attention. “Romeo, I gave you a long break to help him study. Not to giggle like a schoolgirl.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cas, his ears turning red, balls up a napkin and throws it at Balthazar. He’s still smiling when he pulls Dean’s textbook towards him and there’s a hint of humor in his voice as he asks Dean what question they’re on.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean can’t help but be a little disappointed that they were interrupted. He doesn’t hold it against Balthazar, he knows Cas is on the clock, but he’d been having fun. Now he’s doing </span>
  <em>
    <span>math</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Cas’ break comes to an end, he stands reluctantly. Dean stands up too, using his empty cup as an excuse to walk back over to the counter with him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, listen,” Dean says, his heart rate picking up. Cas looks at him expectantly. He promptly forgets how to speak. “I-do you want to-maybe, I don’t know.” That’s all he manages before he snaps his mouth shut to avoid humiliating himself even more. Balthazar laughs at him from the espresso machine.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I get off at eight,” Cas tells him, a small smile on his lips. “Pick me up.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I-I drive an Impala.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Why would he say that?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know. I saw you pull up in it. It’s a beautiful car. You should give me a tour later.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean’s face goes scarlet. A towel hits the back of Castiel’s head. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Back to work, Novak.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>----</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pick up,” Dean mutters desperately. “Pick up, come on.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“‘Sup bitch?” Charlie greets him, picking up after the third ring. Dean pulls into his driveway and shifts into park.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is Benny with you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Put me on speakerphone.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a scuffle, and then Benny is saying ‘what?’</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re going on a date tonight. He asked me--well, I tried to ask him and failed, so he asked me. I’m supposed to pick him up when his shift is over,” he explains, holding his phone between his cheek and his shoulder as he gets out of the car and heads inside. He glances over his shoulder, waiting for Sam to get out so he can lock the doors.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Where are you gonna take him?” Charlie asks</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I forgot Sam,” Dean says, horrified. Benny starts laughing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I left Sam at his practice. Oh my god. I got distracted by the date thing and--shit. He’s going to kill me. I gotta call you guys back.” He hangs up while Benny and Charlie crack up. His mom is home, she’s probably watching him sprint back to his car out the window. Sending up a silent prayer that she didn’t hear him pull into the driveway, he peels back into the road and toward Sam.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>By the time he gets there, Sam is kicking a ball back and forth with an older guy, his bag sitting against the curb along with his empty water bottle. Dean honks when he pulls up and waves apologetically at the coach as Sam grabs his stuff and heads over. He slams the door shut hard and glares at Dean.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Seriously?” he demands.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry. I--um, I forgot,” Dean mutters. “You weren’t here for that long, relax.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I was here for half an hour after practice ended, Dean! How did you just </span>
  <em>
    <span>forget</span>
  </em>
  <span> me?” Sam is going to be pissed until he gets a good explanation, and Dean knows it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I met this guy,” he explains haltingly. Sam raises his eyebrows. “I met him when I dropped you off on Tuesday, and today I asked him out. I got distracted with that, and I went home without grabbing you. Happy now?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Who’s the guy?” Sam’s voice takes on a teasing tone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t know him,” Dean says stiffly. “Buckle up, I need to get ready and pick him up by eight.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Your date is </span>
  <em>
    <span>tonight</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Sam buckles his seatbelt and turns toward Dean. “Where are you taking him?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Are you planning on figuring that out anytime soon?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How do I know that he doesn’t have anywhere in mind?” Dean asks defensively. Sam laughs at him. His seventeen year old brother laughs right in his face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>You</span>
  </em>
  <span> asked him out, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> are driving. It’s your job to figure out the plans for the night, I promise you that’s what they’re expecting.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean turns the music up and steadfastly ignores Sam’s stupid face grinning at him the whole way home. He needs to think of something to do. On their way home, they drive past the river. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>----</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>cas hate squad</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>iiiiii have a date tonight :D</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>balthazar: youuuuu are a horrible employee</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>a horrible employee with a date tonight !!!!!</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: aww yay</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>gabriel: wear protection</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>balthazar: *disliked “wear protection”*</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: did you just type that out..?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>balthazar: *disliked “did you just type that out..?”*</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>gabriel: fr what’re you guys gonna do?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>idk actually. i told him to pick me up after my shift and then he left.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: are you sure he’s not a serial killer</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>balthazar: HA. scrawniest serial killer ever.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>he’s not a serial killer. and he’s not scrawny. </b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>----</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The clock has never moved slower. Twice, Cas asks Balthazar if it’s broken. At 7:50, Dean pulls into the parking lot and gives him a small wave through the front window. Cas grins at him, turning imploring eyes on Balthazar. He shakes his head before Cas even asks. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s only ten minutes--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine,” Cas mutters. Ten minutes later, he rushes out the door. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cas doesn’t even try to pretend that he isn’t eager. He speedwalks to the passenger side of Dean’s car and slides in, smiling.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi,” he says.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi,” Dean echoes. He looks </span>
  <em>
    <span>good</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He clearly put some effort into the gentle swoosh of his hair and he smells like cologne.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Where are you taking me?” Cas squints his eyes suspiciously as Dean begins to pull out of the parking lot. “My friends think you’re a murderer.” Dean smiles, looking at Cas out of the corner of his eye. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a surprise. And I’m not a murderer.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Those are two things a murderer would say,” Cas points out, reaching forward to turn the radio up. Dean’s eyes track his movements closely, but he doesn’t say anything. Cas puts his hands back in his lap. Of course, Dean is the kind of guy who would be fiercely protective of his car.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Touché. I guess you’ll just have to trust me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>----</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean pulls up to the strip of parking spots in front of the water and Cas takes in a sharp breath. Dean is a little surprised by the look in his eye as he fumbles to undo his seatbelt and shove the passenger door open. He loves the river as much as the next guy, but it’s really not all that beautiful. If you get close enough, you can see the filth and litter building up near the shoreline.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cas is a man entranced, standing stock still outside of the car when Dean finally gets out and joins him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I figured we could take a walk. There are some nice trails,” he says, feeling suddenly apprehensive. What he at first thought was Castiel’s look of disbelief at the sight in front of him has morphed into something else that Dean can’t quite read. He isn’t even sure whether it’s a good or bad thing. “Is this alright?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The anxiety in his voice seems to break Cas out of his reverie.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What? Oh! Yeah,” he blinks rapidly before giving Dean a hesitant smile. “Sorry, I just haven’t been here in a long time. I used to come with my baby sister.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They begin to walk along the trail. Dean tells Cas about Sammy, about how he’s going to be a big shot lawyer one day. Cas tells Dean about Gabriel, but he doesn’t talk about the sister that he mentioned before. Dimly lit by cheap looking lamps, the trail grows menacing the longer they walk. A rabbit interrupts Castiel’s surprisingly knowledgeable and passionate rant about bees by shooting out of a bush near the edge of the path and Cas jumps, grabbing Dean’s arm with his right hand and Dean’s hand with his left.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Woah, relax.” Dean laughs, trying not to look too pleased by the fact that Cas is still holding onto him. “It was just Thumper.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even in the dark, Dean can see the blush that paints Castiel’s sharp features. He squeezes his hand and continues to walk. Although he releases Dean’s arm, their fingers stay intertwined until they get back to the car. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean drops him off at his car at Smokey Row after an hour of driving aimlessly through the town, neither of them eager to part ways.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll see ya,” he says, his heart in his throat. The air in the car is heavy. He should kiss him. Cas smiles.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Bye.” He slides out of the car. Dean watches him the whole way toward his ugly ass car. At the last moment, he shoves his door open.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas! Wait.” He stalks over to him. He can feel his pulse in the pads of his fingers as he clenches his hands at his sides. “I-uh-I had fun tonight.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Me too,” Cas tells him. Maybe Dean would have chickened out and walked back to his car with his tail between his legs, but then Cas tilts his head. Something about that gesture takes Dean apart every time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He shakes his hands out and opens his mouth to speak. Nothing comes out. Castiel’s mouth twitches.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you going to kiss me?” Cas asks bluntly. Dean barely has time to laugh breathlessly before his legs are moving forward of their own accord and his hand is coming up to rest at the nape of Castiel’s neck. And he kisses him.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>i don’t care how complicated this gets. i still want you.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>2 months later</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stumbles off of the dance floor, breathless, his cheeks tinged pink and his eyes bright. Cas steadies him with a hand on the low of his back and shakes his head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You were so right,” Dean tells him, still catching his breath, “there is nothing like a Novak family reunion.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I told you so,” Cas gloats. “Where have you been?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Your cousin had me on the dance floor doing the chicken dance, and the macarena, and then the cupid shuffle, and the list goes on,” Dean explains. “Anael. The one with the red hair.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s where she’s been, I went looking for her when I lost track of you.” Cas reaches up and pushes Dean’s hair from his face. “This is getting long, you need to get it cut.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean grabs his hand to stop him from fussing with it more, and smiles at him. Cas squints suspiciously.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you smiling at?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You,” Dean says, linking their fingers together where he caught their hand. Cas rolls his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How come?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The music fades, as do the countless family members around Cas. He stares at Dean, who has gone very, very red. The blush starts at his neck, working up his ears and finally to his cheeks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Cas says, dazed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you,” Dean repeats. “Okay? I know it’s kind of early for me to be sayin’ that, but it’s true. It’s only been two months, but I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cas just looks at him, until he realizes that Dean is looking more nervous by the second.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good,” they force themself to say. Dean raises his eyebrows. Cas grins at him, squeezing their linked hands. “‘Cause it’s only been two months, but I love you too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean kisses him in front of his family.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>1 month later</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: u want to come over?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>deans visiting. maybe tomorrow the three of us can get together?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: oooh how long has it been since you’ve seen him?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>couple of weeks. we’ve both been too busy to make the drive. i’m so excited to see him :D</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: have fun :) tell him hi for me </b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>-----</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>From his spot in front of the window, Cas sees the familiar car pulling onto the street. He lets out a relieved sigh, his breath fogging up the window, and turns on his heel to pound down the stairs. The pouring rain doesn’t stop him from throwing the front door open and jogging out to the driveway just as Dean throws his door open.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re late!” He has to shout over the wind and thunder, but Dean ignores him anyway, rushing toward him and hugging him so tight that he lifts Cas off of the ground.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean whirls them around in a 180 before setting Cas down, hands warm on his hips compared to the chill from the wind and rain.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey barista,” Dean says, seemingly unbothered by the way the rain is soaking into his shirt, judging by the shit eating grin on his face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re late,” Cas repeats, flattening his palm on Dean’s chest to steady them. Dean just kisses him like he hasn’t seen him in weeks. Which is fair, since he </span>
  <em>
    <span>hasn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I missed you,” Dean says against his lips. Cas raises a hand to curl his fingers in Dean’s hair and finds it already soaked. Dean pulls him in again. He breaks away, laughing when Dean tries to chase the kiss.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Come inside, we’ll get sick out here.” Cas grabs his hand and leads him toward the house.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>----</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, no phones,” Dean insists, grabbing his and Castiel’s phones and setting them on the middle of the coffee table. “We should make the most of this time before I have to go back.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“God, don’t talk about that yet. I missed you so much,” Cas whines, nuzzling into Dean’s shoulder. “Don’t go back. Transfer.” Dean laughs and Cas can feel it where his face is pressed against him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> transfer to KU?” Cas makes a disgusted noise in the back of his throat and stretches out, practically lounging on Dean like he’s another piece of furniture. Dean doesn't seem to mind, just blows out an amused breath every time Cas accidentally elbows his ribs as he repositions himself. Every once and a while he will press a kiss and a soft ‘I missed you’ into Cas’ hair.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cas is pretty sure this is what heaven feels like. They’ve facetimed practically every night before bed, but it’s not the same. He’s got a pit in his gut half the time, trying to imagine the pillow he hugs to his chest is Dean, pretending Dean’s steady breathing isn’t coming through a phone screen. Now that he’s actually here, Cas never wants to let him go. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How are Benny and Charlie?” He is tracing the shapes and letters of the design on Dean’ shirt, his eyes half-lidded.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“They’re good. They like to bitch about the fact that you never visit them.” Cas hums, stilling his fingers and flattening his hand over Dean’s heart so he can feel it beat against his palm. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cas is nodding off against Dean’s chest when the door bursts open. He blinks groggily, not even unwrapping himself from Dean until he recognizes Kelly standing in the doorway.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kel, I told you I couldn’t hang out tonight.” He rubs at his eyes, sitting up and smiling tiredly when Dean’s arms only let him go reluctantly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” she says, and something in her voice makes his blood go cold. “I’m really sorry. I tried to call. Cas, I need to talk to you.” Her eyes flitt towards Dean. “Alone.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” he says quietly, standing from the couch. “Okay.” Dean smiles at him encouragingly and nods. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s alright. I’ll be here</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s horribly quiet besides the sound of rain hitting the roof when Cas follows Kelly into his bedroom and watches her pace back and forth in front of him. He knows it probably makes him a shitty friend to feel impatient when she’s so obviously in distress, but Dean is here. He’s waiting for him. They finally get to be together for the first time in weeks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, Kelly speaks. “Do you remember that really shitty one night stand I had with my boss?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” he says slowly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I shouldn’t have done it.” Already he knows where this is going, the dots slowly connecting in his head. Kelly getting sick and insisting it was the flu, Kelly volunteering to be the designated driver every single time, Kelly gaining a little weight.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, sweetheart.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her face crumples and she stumbles into his arms. His heart aches as he catches her and pulls her into a tight hug, kissing the top of her head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t know what to do,” she sobs. Cas hushes her, running a soothing hand down her back. “I didn’t know if I was going to keep them, and once I decided to keep them I didn’t know how to tell you or..or anybody.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He hushes her again, guiding her over to the bed to sit with him. They can still hear the soft sounds of whatever TV show Dean had turned on when Cas started to fall asleep.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why tell me now?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I slipped in the kitchen,” she says, her voice barely above a whisper. “I’m fine, it wasn’t a big deal, but I started thinking about how no one knew. And how I would be </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucked</span>
  </em>
  <span> if something happened.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cas glances at her stomach, unable to stop himself. Now that he knows, he can see the gentle outline of a bump.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Stay here,” he almost pleads, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. “Please. Stay with me for a little while.” He knows she will try to brush away his offer, especially when she is maybe the only person in the world who knows how he has ached to be with Dean. He can’t even think of his boyfriend in a moment like this, and surely Dean wouldn’t fault him for that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Castiel, no. I’ve been fine for three-”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Please.” She bites her lip, eyes searching his face resignedly, and nods.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright,” she concedes. He pulls her in for another tight hug. “Thank you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kelly goes home to pack a bag while Dean helps Cas pull the fitted sheet over the pull out bed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Son of a bitch,” Dean mutters under his breath when the corner pops off again, flying towards Cas. “Can’t get the damn thing to fit.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cas is having trouble himself, but instead of mumbling a curse and returning Dean’s bemused smile, he begins to hyperventilate. The room is spinning around him and at some point he loses track of what he was supposed to be doing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean is next to him suddenly, talking, soothing, but not touching. He’s been with Cas through enough of these attacks that he knows not to grab him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Breathe, Cas.” Dean takes a deep breath, encouraging Cas to follow suit. “Just breathe. Focus on me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It takes some coaxing, but eventually Cas isn’t completely panicking anymore. That doesn’t stop the tears from coming. Now Dean cradles his face in his hands, his thumb wiping at the tear tracks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Look at me,” he says gently. Wild blue eyes meet steady green, and the world stands still. The spinning stops. The hiccups stop. It’s just him and Dean. “Good. There he is.” Dean doesn’t let him go.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“She’s pregnant,” he breathes. There isn’t a single flicker of emotion to hint at Dean’s reaction. His face doesn’t change.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Dean begins, gaze still level with Castiel’s. “Are you the-”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>! God no. Did you really just ask me that?” He feels a bubble of laughter growing in his chest. “Am I the father of Kelly Kline’s baby?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean is smiling now, dropping his hands from Cas’ face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m gay. Homosexual. I like di-”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up,” Dean interrupts, his face burning red. “It’s a valid question when you’re standing here crying.” The laughter dies and Cas looks at the ground.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, well, I might as well be the father. The real guy is a total dick. He doesn’t want anything to do with her or the baby. She said he agreed to send financial support but nothing more. I was thinking about how I have to help her through this and I can’t even get the fucking bedsheets on right. And then there's </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You drove all the way up here.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s only an hour.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, Dean.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“For what?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t-“</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“For being a good friend? The best friend she could hope for in a situation like this? Castiel, this is why I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It takes his breath away every time he hears Dean say it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“She’s your best friend and she’s pregnant and she’s alone, Cas. Of course she should stay here. There will be other weekends. Other visits. Do I feel disappointed? Sure. But mostly I feel lucky as shit to love someone as caring and selfless as you,” Dean finishes in a whisper even though they’re alone. Cas feels the tension lessen in his shoulder and he pulls Dean into a tight hug, closing his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>----</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>whore gang</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly is pregnant.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: castiel’s kelly???</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: is he the father? i’ll beat the shit out of him, i swear.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: he’s gay, you moron</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: oh yeah</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>the father is pretty much out of the picture. cas is stepping up</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: what does that mean for you guys?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>nothing. we’re solid. it kind of spoiled this weekend but it’s only an hour drive.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: but if he’s stepping up for her isn’t that roughly like a nine month commitment?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>she’s already three months in</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: that’s six months of potentially spoiled weekends. plus after the kid is born, they won’t just go away.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>we’ll be fine</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: you barely see each other anyway, now with doctors appointments and shopping for baby shit it’s going to be even harder.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>okay i said we’ll be fine can you guys fucking back off</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: sorry. i’m sure you guys will be fine. you’re dean and cas. we’re just making sure you know what you’re getting into</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>i don’t really have a choice in the matter anyway, do i?</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>you coming to me this weekend or am i coming to you?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: we have a doc appt early monday morning, so it’d be easier if u came to me</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>sounds good :)</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: sorry, i know we’re supposed to switch back and forth.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>no biggie</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: i have a surprise for you</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>do tell</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: it’s a surprise you idiot</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>harsh</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: don’t act like an idiot and i won’t call you one &lt;3</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean’s arrival sneaks up on him this time. He’s staring unseeing at his textbook, his head pounding. The words are swimming in front of his eyes. He hangs his head, tears of frustrating threatening to leak out from his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so tired,” he says to no one in particular. Shockingly, it doesn’t make him feel any better. He lets out a shaky breath, and then his vision goes dark. Someone has their hands in front of his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Guess who?” Recognition of the voice sends a flurry of relief through his body. He can’t help but smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mmmm, Chuck Norris?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Close enough,” Dean mutters, and Cas feels his chair being spun around. He pretends to frown as Dean comes into view.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You are not Chuck Norris.” Dean pulls him to his feet, ignoring the teasing, and presses a kiss to his lips that leaves him dizzy. He hums. “Did you miss me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is coffee basically a liquid laxative?” Dean goes in for another kiss, but Cas covers his mouth with his hand, pushing him backwards. Dean raises his eyebrows.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s disgusting. Why would you think I would want to kiss you after you say that?” Cas frowns again. He can feel Dean smiling beneath his fingers and he knows what’s going to happen, but before he can pull his hand back, Dean licks it. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Yuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” He wipes it on Dean’s shirt, glaring at him for real this time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Dean says, not sounding sorry at all.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You are so </span>
  <em>
    <span>annoying</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re right. I should just go back to Lawr--” Cas grabs his arm and yanks him in again. Eventually, he has to go back to studying.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean sighs dramatically, reaching over and covering half of Castiel’s book with his hand. They’re both laying on their stomachs on his bed, Cas attempting to study and Dean mindlessly scrolling through twitter. Cas glances at him and smiles tiredly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is this you demanding my attention?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Dean confirms unashamedly. “You can study when I’m gone. C’mere.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>How can Cas say no? Especially when the gel is gone from Dean’s hair, leaving it to swoop softly across his forehead and stick up in the back, and he is blinking so fondly at Cas that it makes his heart ache.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I have to finish this chapter before we go to dinner, but I guess I can take a break. Just for a little,” he concedes, shutting his book and allowing Dean to pull him close, wrapping himself around Cas. It’s too hot in the room to be doing this, but Cas can’t find it in him to try to loosen Dean’s grip on him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you,” Dean says softly. Cas closes his eyes and tries to fight down the butterflies in his stomach.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you too.” He presses a kiss to Dean’s shoulder, since it’s the only place he can reach while being squeezed this tight.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Castiel?” There’s the butterflies again. Dean so rarely calls him by his full name, saving it for important moments and...well, and arguments.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mhm?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I have my damn surprise yet?” He releases his hold on Cas long enough for him to sit up and look at Dean sheepishly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It didn’t really turn out the way it was supposed to,” he begins to explain, dropping his eyes to his hands. “I kind of lost track of time during an important part of the process.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>made </span>
  </em>
  <span>me something,” Dean half whispers, eyes big and soft and full of adoration. “Cas.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I tried to make you something,” Cas corrects him, his face heating up under Dean’s gaze.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I see it?” Cas has half a mind to tell him no. To deflect and to change the subject and to hope he forgets about it before he leaves. But it’s Dean. Cas has never been good at telling Dean no.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s in the fridge,” he mutters, defeated. Dean launches off the bed and thunders down the stairs, with Cas following slowly after him. He has it out and sitting on the table by the time Cas reaches the kitchen.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He seems to be fighting back a smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t make fun,” Cas grouches, folding his arms over his chest and glaring at the horribly burnt pie. “It was going really really well, but then Kelly came home and I lost track of time while I was helping her with something and I came back to this.” He gestures hopelessly at the pie. “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean laughs, despite Castiel’s request, and pokes at the rock hard crust.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t be sorry. I love it. It’s the thought that counts.” Dean pokes it again. “I don’t think I’ll eat it though. No offense. Maybe we can try again another day.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>------</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>benny: how are things going with cas?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>he made me a PIE :(</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: lock him down now before he realizes he’s way out of your league.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>very funny. i got us dinner reservations at this crazy nice place, it took so much work. that’s me getting even for the burnt ass pie he made.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: anyway,, i’ve been thinking about the way i acted after you told us about kelly being pregnant and i wanted to apologize. i should've read the room and been supportive rather than stressing you out more. </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>if i wanted someone to sugarcoat it for me, i wouldn’t have texted u guys. u were just looking out for me. this means a lot tho i know ur not big on apologies. </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: whatever. love you, dude</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>i love you too, you big softie. </b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>-----</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>cas hate squad</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: he fired me.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>WHAT?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>gabriel: that asshole</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>balthazar: that cannot be legal</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>did he give a reason?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>gabriel: a reason outside of babygate?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: they’re laying people off. i wasn’t the first to go. he was very quick to assure me that it “wasn’t personal”</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean wants to know if u want us to beat him up</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: i still need his money</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>he says we will wear masks.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>kelly: i appreciate the offer but imma stick with no for now</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>-----</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that what you’re wearing to dinner?” Dean is standing in his doorway in a dress shirt with his hair done up. Cas is still in his sweatpants. “You know I always think you look handsome, but this is a pretty fancy place. I had to make reservations a while ago.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kelly got fired,” Cas says, as though it explains why he isn’t dressed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, baby, so you’ve said.” Dean frowns, jingling the keys in his hands. “I told you we could beat him up. But beating someone up on an empty stomach is never smart.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We can’t go to dinner, Dean.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span>? How is our not going to dinner going to help Kelly?” Dean’s heartbeat is in his ears. This is what Benny and Charlie were talking about.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ll be here. With her. For support,” Cas is saying this all as though it is very obvious. As though Dean is being ridiculous by even suggesting that they go have dinner at this stupidly nice restaurant that he had to pull three separate strings to get them into.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But maybe he’s being selfish. Kelly is pregnant and alone, and now unemployed. She needs Cas. He sighs, trying to ignore the dull feeling in his gut.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright. I’ll call and cancel the reservation.” Cas looks like he is about to say something, but Dean has already retreated down the hall.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>whore gang</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: and he just told you to cancel the reservation??</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>yeah</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: what’re you guys doing now?</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>watching a movie with kelly.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: i’m sorry dude :(</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>it’s whatever. i’d rather be me than her right now</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: still</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>when he comes down to lawrence we probably won’t get together with y’all right away. i want some time with him.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>charlie: of course !!</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>benny: no problem</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>----</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stands up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the movie, and Castiel’s gaze catches on his phone, which is buzzing with text notifications on the table. He’s not going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>look</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but that doesn’t mean he’s not curious.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s upset with you,” Kelly says quietly. Cas jumps, looking at her in surprise.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s fine,” they bluff. Kelly scoffs, taking a drink from her water bottle and shaking her head at him. “He’s fine, seriously.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I told you not to cancel plans for me. I would’ve been fine--and don’t bullshit me. He’s not stuck to you like a leech, I can tell he’s upset.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cas snaps their jaw shut and glances over their shoulder toward the bathroom. Dean is definitely upset, but he hasn’t said anything or been particularly cold toward either of them. He’s just been a little quiet, and a little less cuddly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s one dinner, Kelly. He’s perfectly okay.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The toilet flushes, and they both turn back to the TV, pretending the conversation never happened. When Dean sits down next to Cas, he leaves a few inches between them. Cas clenches their jaw and doesn’t say anything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-------</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean pretends to be asleep when he hears Cas open the bedroom door. The bed dips and he has to fight the urge to turn around so he can grab a hold of him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas whispers, so close that Dean can feel his breath against the back of his neck. “I know you’re awake.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t move a muscle, trying to focus on keeping his breathing steady.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry about dinner,” Cas says quietly. Dean pretends to shift in his sleep. “You’re really not going to talk to me?” He breathes through his mouth. “You’re being a child, Dean. I’m not a bad guy in this situation for trying to be a supportive friend.” Cas sighs when he doesn’t say anything and the bed shifts again as he gets comfortable. “Goodnight.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dean doesn’t respond.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>------</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next morning, Dean leans against the car, uneager to get in and drive away for another week.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re coming to me next weekend?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes.” Cas looks down at their linked hands, squeezing them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You promise?” Dean can’t help the doubt in his tone. Cas raises Dean’s hand to his lips and kisses it before looking back at him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I promise.” He still feels bad about canceling dinner, it’s obvious. He’s been trying to make it up to Dean all day, being overly sweet and rushing to do whatever Dean has wanted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good. Kiss me,” Dean mutters. Cas kisses him. “I’ll miss you,” Dean says into the kiss. Cas laughs, pulling away slightly and pushing his hand through Dean’s hair.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. Me too.” Dean fixes his hair with a slightly annoyed look and gets into the car.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you too.” Cas raises his hand in a wave, and Dean drives away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <b>dean: i miss you</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>you’ve been gone for five minutes</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean: do you miss me</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>stop texting and driving. </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean: i’m getting gas</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>yes, i miss you.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>dean: :D</b>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>all of the chapter summaries are quotes from poems or prose but not all of them came with author credits so just so y’all know they’re not mine and i’m not claiming them. if i know the author of the quote i’ll give their name</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I can’t wait to see you,” Dean mutters, half asleep. “Miss you so much. Sam’s talking about coming down on Sunday so you two can catch up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas has been quieter than usual tonight, but whenever Dean glances at his phone he finds Cas pouring over a textbook or writing something down, so he figures he’s just distracted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now, Cas sets down his pen and gives the camera a nervous look.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” he begins apprehensively, and suddenly Dean is wide awake. Anger and disbelief and disappointment rise in him before Cas can continue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not coming.” It’s not a question. Cas sighs, rubbing at his face and shaking his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not. I can’t.” Dean laughs bitterly, the warm fuzzy feeling that comes with talking to Cas until he drifts off to sleep fading away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You promised.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean--” He hangs up the phone. Less out of anger and more out of refusal to let Cas see him cry about this. Wiping at the tears on his face frustratedly, he calls out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Benny?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Less than a minute later his best friend sticks his head into his room. The second he sees Dean’s face and the phone clutched in his hand, it’s clear that he understands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cas…?” he prompts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s not coming this weekend,” Dean says glumly, wiping his face again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You want to get hammered?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God yes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas tries to call him a few times, but he lets it go to voicemail each time. He’s not in the mood to hear any excuses right now. He drinks, and he drinks </span>
  <em>
    <span>hard</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and he daydreams about the days when Cas was a ten minute drive away. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: please answer the phone, at least let me explain.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>is something wrong with kelly?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: no</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>is something wrong with the baby?</b>
  <b>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: no</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>then i don’t give a shit about your excuses. leave me alone.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: dean, this isn’t fair.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>bullshit. don’t talk to me about fair.</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: wellness check?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: i know you’re upset with me but please just respond to this so i know you’re not drunk in a ditch somewhere.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>he’s fine</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: benny?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>we’ve got to stop meeting like this.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: is he pissed at me?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>he’s disappointed. he misses you.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: that’s worse somehow.</b>
  <b>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>listen. you make him happier than anyone i’ve ever seen. i’m really happy that he has you, and i like you a lot.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: that’s comforting to hear</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>i’m not done. despite that, if you ever make him cry like that again i’ll drive to manhattan myself and beat some sense into you</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: he cried?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>he told me about that pie that you made for him. the one that was going fine and then got burnt because you forgot about it while helping kelly with something?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: what does that have to do with anything?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>it means dean will let you forget him in the oven and get burnt, so don’t let him.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: this weekend is not about kelly.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>he led me to believe that it was</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: he doesn’t know. he didn’t give me the chance to explain it.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>i’ll tell him to call you in the morning.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: thanks. </b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>-----</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean stares at the wall of his room, one hand on the phone, the other reproachfully rubbing his arm where Benny had punched him when Dean tried to avoid calling Cas. It only rings once before Cas picks up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean.” Instantly, Dean feels a spike of guilt. He sounds so tightly strung.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m listening,” is all he says. Cas takes a deep breath and dives right in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My baby sister, Anna, died six years ago on Saturday.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Every year Gabriel, Anael, my eldest cousin Michael, and I visit her grave on the anniversary of her death. I thought that we were not going this year, as Michael and Gabriel both could not make it. That’s why I promised you I would be with you this weekend. Yesterday, Michael and Gabriel managed to get their plans changed, and we decided to go. That’s why I can’t visit this weekend. I’ll be with my family.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cas,” Dean whispers. His heart aches almost as bad as his head. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Idiot</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Cas was mourning a sibling and Dean had reacted by hanging up on him and ignoring him all night. He has only mentioned Anna a few times in the time that they’ve been together, and he has never given Dean the impression that he’d be open to discussing her more. “I didn’t-I’m so sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There was no way for you to have known,” Cas says gently. Only Cas would be this understanding, this slow to anger. Dean’s stomach joins his head and his heart in aching. Everything hurts. “I should be apologizing as well.” Dean begins to object, but Cas pushes on. “You were not surprised to hear that I wouldn’t be able to come, even though I promised you that I would. I’ve been pushing you aside. Making you feel as though you’re not a priority to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean doesn’t say anything. He wants to cry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Dean. I never--I don’t ever want to be the source of your unhappiness,” Cas continues. Dean </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> crying now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shit, Cas.” He wipes at his eyes hastily. “This whole long distance thing is totally kicking our asses.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Well, we knew from the beginning that our story would not be a boring one.” He can hear the soft smile in Castiel’s voice. He sniffles miserably, picking at his comforter. “I love you, Dean. So much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas stands in front of the gravestone, staring but not really seeing. He’s read the inscription a million times. Anna’s name, her date of birth, which is tragically close to her date of death, and a short bible passage that his mom picked out. Gabriel is crying next to him, silent tears that stream endlessly down his face as he stares at the same spot. Michael has a comforting arm around Anael, who is holding tightly to the flowers she planned to leave on the grave.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It never gets easier,” Cas says quietly. “Coming here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Michael agrees. “Ana, the flowers.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anael sniffles, and then steps forward to lay them in front of the headstone, careful not to step where the coffin would be, six feet below the grass.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Miss you,” Cas hears her whisper, throat thick. “That guy you were sweet on in middle school, he’s dating this new girl. She’s not nearly as pretty as you, though. He totally missed out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Michael goes next, but Cas can’t hear what he says as he pats the headstone the way he used to pat the top of her head. Castiel’s legs won’t move, so Gabriel goes first, chest still hitching.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you, Anna,” Gabe says. “Can’t wait to see you again, some day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas makes his way forward on lurching, shaking legs when Gabe steps aside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” he whispers, feeling stupid addressing a stone like a person. “I met someone. He--you guys would get along really well. I wish you could meet him.” He reaches out and traces the letters of her name with gentle fingers. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, like he always does, and then he follows his family to the car. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, this Dean guy,” Michael says, eyes tracking Anael and Gabriel as they walk away from their table and up to the bar. Cas smiles at his beer. He has always been close with Michael. There’s something comforting about his stoic nature that Cas prefers over the whirlwind that is Anael and Gabriel, not to say that he doesn’t love them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You met him,” Cas reminds him, picking at the label of his bottle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Briefly,” Michael allows, drumming his fingers on the table. “Until Anael dragged him off to the dance floor.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you like him?” Cas finds himself suddenly nervous, hopeful that Michael will give Dean his stamp of approval. His opinion on Dean matters more to Cas than it probably should.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Michael leans forward over the table and Cas can’t help but mirror the body language, his heart hammering against his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I...think she would have adored him.” He doesn’t have to say anything else. Cas beams at him, blinking back the tears that sting his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You think so?” Michael nods, reaching across the table to pat his arm. “That means the world to me,” Cas tells him truthfully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You must really love him, to care so deeply what your family thinks of him.” Michael sits back, eyes returning to Anael’s back where she stands talking to the bartender. He’s fiercely protective of her, much like how Dean is over Sam. How Cas was over Anna.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I always value your opinion,” Cas says, sitting back as well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t seem to mind my distaste for Nick,” Michael counters, eyebrow raised.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mick,” Cas corrects him, but doesn’t say anything else. He hadn’t cared when Michael very openly spoke out against Mick.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This one is different, hm?” Before Cas can answer him, Gabe and Anael return to the table with more drinks. Michael doesn’t push the subject around the other two, but his knowing smile makes Cas blush.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is Dean coming to my birthday party or what?” Gabe asks, his eyes still bloodshot from the tears he had shed over Anna’s grave just an hour earlier.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We haven’t talked about it. Either way, I don’t think I’ll be going. I don’t have time for parties anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You sound like an old man, Castiel,” Michael says quietly. “Where’s the boy I saw a month ago?” Cas excuses himself to use the restroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gabe keeps texting me about his birthday party,” Dean says, shoveling his food into his mouth and looking at Cas expectantly. Cas looks up from their own plate, surprised.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My brother is texting you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes. A lot.” Dean rolls his eyes at the suspicious squint Cas harbors. “I have a groupchat with him and Anael, actually, where we plot against you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck you,” Cas mutters. The old lady at the table next to them looks up scornfully, and Cas meets her gaze evenly. Dean clears his throat before Cas can start beef with an elderly woman. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why haven’t you mentioned that I’m invited to the party, huh?” Dean pulls their attention back to the conversation at hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not even sure that I’ll be able to go. I didn’t think you’d want to go without me, and I figured there was no point in bringing it up if it doesn’t even happen,” Cas explains, shrugging. Dean narrows his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you know whether you’d be able to go? He’s given me the exact date and time multiple times now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well--” Cas breaks off, looking back down at their plate, pushing their salad around with their fork. “I know that I can technically make it, but just in case something comes up, or if I just want the night to relax, I didn’t want to decide yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is there some reason that you don’t want to go?” Dean presses. “Do--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>tired</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Dean,” Cas says, abruptly cutting him off. Dean raises an eyebrow and sits back in his seat. Cas grimaces, and tries again in a lower voice. “I’m sorry. I’m tired, and I want to take advantage of every moment that I get to just...chill.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s fair, baby, but it’s your brothers birthday, and he really wants us to come. Do you think you can take one night?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I--” There’s real hesitance there, Cas looks a little lost, a little unsure of what exactly they’re supposed to say to get out of this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to,” Dean amends. “I’m not trying to </span>
  <em>
    <span>make</span>
  </em>
  <span> you go, if you really don’t want to. I’m just saying that he seems really adamant that we show up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go,” Cas says finally. Dean searches his face, but it’s closed off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t say you’ll go just to appease me and then ditch at the last minute, Cas.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go,” Cas repeats, voice stronger this time. “It’s a party, what better way to relax than a party?”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looks up from his essay as his phone begins to ring. Cas is calling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will you go to prom with me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean blinks, glances at the calendar on his wall, and then blinks again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is this a nightmare?” he asks. “Am I in high school again?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, stop being dramatic. It’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>prom</span>
  </em>
  <span>, it’s just a dance. One of the frats at my school is throwing a giant formal dance in February, and you are my plus one,” Cas explains. “If you agree to accompany me, of course.” Dean smiles to himself, tapping his pencil against his notebook before answering.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Castiel Novak, I would love to go to not-prom with you.” Dean taps his pencil again. “I expect a real promposal at Gabriel’s party tomorrow night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not gonna happen,” Cas informs him, and hangs up the phone. Dean grumbles something about a lazy bastard and romance dying a slow death, and then returns to his homework. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>can you still feel me loving you?</p><p>-bridget devoue</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Am I meeting you at the party, or are we going together?” Dean tucks the phone between his cheek and his shoulder as he gets into the car. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll meet you there, I might be a little late,” Cas says, sounding distracted. Dean gives himself a beat to school his voice into something casual.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re still coming, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Dean.” Dean winces at that. It sounds like they’re saying whatever they can to make Dean happy, rather than what they actually feel. “I’m coming,” Cas says into the silence that follows, “I promise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Three hours later, Dean is sitting awkwardly on a small couch at Gabriel’s party. Alone. He checks his phone for the millionth time. Nothing from Cas. Just as he’s about to call him and make sure he’s alright, Anael Novak falls into the spot next to him on the couch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Dean! It’s been forever,” she says brightly. He grins at her. They haven’t seen each other since they met at a family reunion Cas had brought Dean along on about a month ago.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Anael. How’ve you been?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, you know. Super busy as always. I can’t believe I haven’t been able to visit Cas yet this year, I usually make it up to campus at least once by now.” Dean stiffens slightly at the mention of Cas and watches Anael’s eyes search the crowd of people. “Speaking of, where is Cas?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was just wondering the same thing,” Dean mutters, finally letting the glumness enter his tone, slumping back into the couch and pulling out his phone once again. Still nothing. “He was supposed to be here. He promised he would be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Send him a picture of us,” Anael urges. “They’ll come if they see how much fun they’re missing out on.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>&lt;attachment: 1 image&gt;</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: are you wearing my shirt?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>are you comin or what?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: i don’t think i’m going to make it</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>u serious?</b>
</p><p>
  <b>cas this is like the third time you’ve done this.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: it’s not my fault. kel got called into her new job and they were supposed to pick some things up. today is our last day for the hold on the crib.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>can’t you come afterward?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: i’m beat, dean. a party isn’t really my top priority</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>didn’t we just have a conversation about me being a priority?</b>
  <b><br/>
<br/>
</b>
</p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: you are.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>well i’m at the fucking party castiel.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>your brothers birthday party.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>with your entire family. not my family, yours. i’m here alone.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>and they miss you, and i miss you too. i get that you’re tired but i just need one goddamn night of your time, just this fucking once. either that or you can find another fucking date to your dance because i’m getting tired of this.</b>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean watches Cas walk in the door with a smile painted on their face. It doesn’t reach their eyes. Dean stands to meet him halfway, but his path is blocked by Michael Novak.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You got him to come,” Michael observes. He tears his gaze from Cas to meet Michael’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You sound impressed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Gabriel and I asked him to come at least three times tonight and were shut down out of hand, so yes, getting him here seems an impressive feat.” Dean isn’t sure what to say, so he shrugs. Michael glances at Castiel. “It was an argument, I assume?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t an easy conversation,” he admits. “It’s been difficult lately. Between Kelly’s pregnancy and school, I don’t ever get to see him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The pregnancy,” Michael repeats slowly, nodding. “Cas is giving a lot of himself to make this easier for her.” Dean must make a face, because Michael smiles ruefully. “Don’t be too hard on him, Dean. When Anna passed, Castiel lost more than the rest of us did. They were inseparable, the pair of them. Cas was there when--” he breaks off, the smile faltering slightly. “He wouldn’t come out of his room for days. Wouldn’t talk to anyone. Only Kelly could get him to eat. She was the only one he would listen to. They likely saved his life that year.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean’s chest aches the same way it always does when he thinks about Cas being in pain, and his eyes find him across the room. He’s talking to a woman who has stark black hair just like his, but his gaze is already on Dean. He frowns.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, he owes her this,” he says to himself more than Michael.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He probably feels that way about it, yes.” Michael puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder. It’s a brotherly gesture, something he would do to Sam. Cas has excused himself and is making his way towards him. “You are much like Anna,” he says quietly. Dean looks at him in surprise, and Michael just gives him that token calm smile. “Be gentle with him. He needs it now more than ever.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Michael,” Cas says sharply as he reaches them, no longer bothering to fake a smile. “You’re not giving him the ‘don’t hurt him or else’ speech, I hope?” Michael drops his hand from Dean’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Someone has to. Gabriel loves him too much to be convincing.” And he disappears into the crowd with a wink, leaving Dean to stare at Cas. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You showed up,” Dean says, feeling sick to his stomach. Cas looks like a kicked puppy. He’s barely meeting Dean’s gaze and the bags under his eyes are far more defined than the last time Dean saw him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were adamant that I attend,” Cas says, his voice rough. Almost as though he’s been crying recently. Dean looks down at his shoes, suddenly embarrassed about blowing up on Cas before. They told him they were tired, and he didn't listen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s just-you promised you would come,” he mutters. “You went out of your way to promise that you were coming.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know I did. I need to start keeping my commitments to you all the time, not just after you get upset with me.” His voice is horribly monotone, each word sounds practiced and disingenuous. Dean doesn’t know what to say to that. “I’m tired,” Cas whispers, his voice straining slightly, and it breaks Dean apart from the inside. Everything from the slump of his shoulders to the glaze in his eye screams exhaustion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We don’t have to stay here,” he offers, finally looking back up at Cas. “When I...</span>
  <em>
    <span>asked</span>
  </em>
  <span> you to come I didn’t realize--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m too tired for this conversation.” Cas pushes a hand through their hair. “And I’m sorry. But I feel like I’m about to collapse on myself so if you keep looking at me like that. And if we keep having this conversation, I’m going to cry in front of all of these people. I don’t want to cry. Can we just--just smile? Just pretend? Until we get home?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Home</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Dean wasn’t planning on staying with Cas tonight. He has an 8:00 class tomorrow morning. But here Cas is, looking like shit and pleading with big, watery eyes. Dean nods, ghosting a finger under their jaw.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. We can do that, until we get home.” He holds out his hand and watches as Cas takes it. They take on the crowd together.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>They stumble into the house, giggling and kicking their shoes off without caring where they end up. Around the fourth shot of tequila the color had returned to Cas’ cheeks and his laughs became genuine. Now, he’s teetering on the edge of coherency.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We should watch Star Wars,” he stage whispers, eyes so wide and intense that Dean falls into another fit of giggles. His breath reeks of alcohol.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You turn on the TV, I’ll get the popcorn,” Dean instructs, wandering into the kitchen and doing his best to concentrate on not knocking anything over.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few minutes later, he falls roughly onto the couch next to Cas with a bowl of popcorn in hand. The movie starts itself when Dean accidentally sits on the remote, which makes them both dissolve into laughter again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas situates themself comfortably against Dean's side, leaning their head on his chest. It’s almost as if nothing happened before the party. Everything is at ease again, and Dean is watching Star Wars on the couch with his boyfriend. Like it should be. Still, he can’t help but feel guilty. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would’ve gone to the dance with you,” he pipes up out of the blue, surprising both himself and Cas. Cas shifts so he can see Dean’s face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you hadn’t come tonight. I still would’ve gone to the dance.” It’s very suddenly important to him that Cas knows. “I was just upset, so I said that, but I didn’t mean it. Because I’m in love with you. And even the stuff that pisses me off about you is fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>amazing</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And your family is the best. And you talk about us like we are some epic love story. And--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas kisses him. It’s been forever since they kissed like this. Slow, unhurried, like they have nowhere more important to be. It’s been forever since they had nowhere more important to be. Cas sits up so he doesn’t have to crane his neck to reach Dean, curling his fingers into the short hairs on the back of his neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean doesn’t know how long they stay like that, he doesn’t even know what time it is when they turn off the TV and stumble to the bedroom. In fact, there’s only two things that he knows for sure: 1. Bert and Ernie are gay, and 2. maybe they </span>
  <em>
    <span>are </span>
  </em>
  <span>part of an epic love story. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>----</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The repetitive dings coming from his phone manage to work their way into Dean’s dream, so he doesn’t wake up until Cas groans.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean. Babe. Dean. For fucks sake, turn it off.” Cas reaches blindly behind him and slaps his hand clumsily against Dean’s face to fully wake him. “I’ll throw it at the wall. I swear I will.” Dean, blinking the sleep from his eyes for long enough to turn off his ringer and glance over the texts, hushes Cas. He falls back asleep almost immediately.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>benny: where tf are you?</b>
</p><p>
  <b>benny: did you spend the night with him after y’all spent all of yesterday arguing…</b>
</p><p>
  <b>benny: wake up you idiot you’re going to miss class</b>
</p><p>
  <b>benny: you’re insufferable</b>
</p><p>
  <b>benny: i’m not going to take notes for you</b>
</p><p>
  <b>benny: winchester</b>
</p><p>
  <b>benny: winchester</b>
  <b><br/>
</b>
  <b>benny: okay fine i’ll take notes for you but you owe me big time.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiles at Benny’s incredulous reaction to him spending the night at Castiel’s and only sort of feels bad about missing class. That will probably catch up to him eventually, but he isn’t worried about it. For now, he’ll settle for putting his phone back on the dresser and wrapping his arm around Cas’ waist again. He’s unwilling to part with them a moment before he has to; he feels as though every time they’re apart, some new hurdle is thrown at them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Here, with the glow of the sunrise peeking in through the drawn curtains making Castiel’s bare skin look golden, he can pretend that nothing exists outside of this moment. He lays on his back, no longer tired but soothed by the sound of Cas’ rhythmic breathing. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas wakes up to Dean’s fingers playing idly with his hair. When he knocks his hand away groggily and flips around to face him, a spike of pain goes through his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, fuck,” he closes his eyes until the pain passes, and when he opens them he finds Dean grinning at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a hangover,” he points out. Cas, who is definitely not a morning person even without a hangover, wants to smack the smile off of Dean’s lips. He settles for squinting at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Astute observation, Sherlock.” Dean pulls a face of mock offense, but just goes back to carding his hand through Castiel’s hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you ever think about us?” he asks quietly, catching Cas off guard.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like, I dunno, our future or whatever?” He doesn’t meet Cas’ eye, just watches his hands mess with the curls of his bed head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not usually before my morning coffee,” Cas deadpans. “Why? What’re you thinking?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean let’s his hand drop from their hair and tangles his fingers with Cas’ instead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p><span>“I was just thinkin’ about how this could be our life one day.” </span><em><span>Our</span></em> <em><span>life</span></em><span>. Singular. Shared. “Me waking up next to you, except I won’t have to be worried that I’m missing class or-”</span></p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re missing class?” Cas starts to sit up, but Dean shushes him and frowns disapprovingly until he lays back down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just let it be perfect for a while. I don’t want to deal with…</span>
  <em>
    <span>real</span>
  </em>
  <span> right now.” Cas wants to ask if ‘real’ is truly all that bad lately. He thinks about himself crying in his car outside of Gabriel’s party, feeling strung out and helpless and bone tired. Maybe Dean has a point.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” Cas says quietly, as though speaking too loud will break the glass barrier they’ve built between themselves and reality. He brings his free hand up to cup Dean’s face, heart clenching when Dean’s eyes flutter shut and he leans into the touch. When they open again, he looks at Cas as though no one else in the world exists.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a love like this, he’s pretty sure they can make it through the bitter sting of reality when they are finally forced to get out of bed. Until then, he’s perfectly happy to gently trace his finger under Dean’s eye and over the bridge of his nose, down to the cleft of his chin and up to outline his lips. He’s perfectly happy. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>----</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>For a month, things seem to fall into place. They find a new normal. They plan around doctors visits. Cas shows up every time. They don’t talk about Gabriel’s party or the morning after. Cas spends almost as many weekends in Lawrence as Dean does in Manhattan. Almost.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Two weeks before the dance, Dean gets a text.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: i’m supposed to go to the dells with gabe, anael, and michael this weekend, so i can’t make it to lawrence</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>okie dokie. tell michael hi and tell anael i love her more than anything in this entire world</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: more than ANYTHING?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>i said what i said.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: wow. i see i’ve been replaced.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>yeah….&lt;3</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: well, i was going to invite you to come with us, but now i guess i should keep you as far away from my cousin as possible..</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>PUMP YOUR BREAKS. I CAN COME???</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: if you’d like.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>iF yOu’D LIkE</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: is that a yes?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>packing my shit as we speak.</b>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>-----</b>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>On the sixth hour of the drive, Dean is half asleep, leaning his head against the cold glass of the window. They’re playing the name game to keep Cas alert, but Dean’s pretty sure the 35 grams of sugar in the Peace Tea he bought are doing that job quite nicely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hannibal Lector,” Cas says, glancing over his shoulder to merge into the left lane and pass a pickup truck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lizzie McGuire,” Dean yawns.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marilyn Monroe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“M...Mary Winchester.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s not a fictional character or a celebrity. Cheater,” Cas accuses.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t respond at first, just stretches tiredly and shifts so he can stare at Cas while he drives. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep that makes him brave enough to ask.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will you tell me about her?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas glances at him in surprise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mary? I think you know more about her than-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anna,” Dean interrupts. Cas’ grip on the steering wheel tightens. “You don’t have to,” he adds quickly. “I know it’s out of the blue. I didn’t mean to overstep.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright,” Cas says quietly. “She was my best friend. She understood everything I was feeling, even more so than Kelly did. When I would try to hide myself away when Gabriel was teasing or I was feeling anxious, they would always send Anna. I don’t even know why she got through to me so well. Maybe it was because she didn’t coddle me, but she didn’t push me too far either.” Cas has a very far off look in his eye, but he’s smiling. These are happy memories. “And the river. The one you took me to on our first date. She loved it there. God, she used to beg me to drive her out there almost every day.” Something in his face has shifted. Instead of lighting his face up, the headlights from traffic going the opposite way on the highway cast shadows over him. “But it’s dangerous to swim at night. I told her not to. I--“ He stops short. Dean doesn’t say anything, just watches him shake his head at the road. “I miss her every day. She was amazing.” There’s an air of finality to it that tells Dean not to press the subject.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Michael Jackson.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jordin Sparks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They play until Dean falls asleep. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s Dean’s turn to drive, and Cas is doing something on his phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not sending everybody in my contacts a picture of a rat and saying ‘this is you’ again, are you?” Dean asks suspiciously. Cas smiles, glancing up from Dean’s phone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That was once. I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>drunk</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Let it go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My grandpa didn’t appreciate it,” Dean mutters, but he’s smiling too. “Have you heard from Kelly?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She called while you were asleep. Why?” Cas feels like this conversation could lead to a fight, if they’re not careful. It doesn’t seem like a touchy subject, but anything could set them off lately. He doesn’t want to ruin this ceasefire they’ve had.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just wondering. ‘Cause I figured you’re probably pretty stressed about leaving her on her own.” There’s nothing in Dean’s tone that suggests he thinks much of the conversation, so Cas relaxes a bit. “And you haven’t really talked about what’s going on with her. To me, at least.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Cas says, trying to choose his words carefully. “I like when my life doesn’t revolve around the pregnancy. I forget about it when I’m with you. Besides, I thought that it may be a dangerous subject.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oof</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Dean’s eyebrows shoot up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s that mean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just don’t want to argue with you, and the whole situation has put a little stress on our relationship, so I didn’t want to invite in more issues by talking about it a lot,” Cas explains, wringing his hands in his lap. He should’ve taken a nap like Dean suggested.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought we’d been doing well because we figured this shit out,” Dean says, merging off of the interstate, his tone dangerous now, “not because you were walking on eggshells.” Cas closes their eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“To fight,” Dean finishes for him. “Yeah. So you said. That doesn’t mean you can just avoid shit.” Cas takes a steadying breath, turning to look out the window.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kelly is doing well. The baby is a boy. She wants to name him Jack.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“After all that work you’ve done and she isn’t at least gonna name him after you?” Cas looks at him sharply, ready to defend her, but then he realizes Dean was joking. Right.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I should toss her out on the street for having the audacity,” Cas mutters. Dean laughs. The tension in the air fades the closer they get to the hotel. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>When they find Castiel’s family at the restaurant in the hotel, Dean sits down next to Anael and kisses her hand, which makes Cas roll his eyes as he takes his seat between Dean and Michael.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, look who decided to join the party,” Gabriel claps his hands together. “You guys are a couple beers behind.” He sets off for the bar to get them drinks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How was the drive?” Anael asks, leaning into the arm Dean has placed over her shoulder strategically to annoy Cas.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was good,” Cas says, pointedly not looking at Dean. “Dean sucks at the name game.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do not!” Dean puts his free hand over his heart. “Cas is a dirty liar.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ve known that for years,” Michael teases, eyeing Dean and Anael with amusement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I be your best man when you and Cassie get married?” Anael grins as she asks it. Dean tenses, his cheeks tinting red. They haven’t really had </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> conversation yet, it seems a little early. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean has a little brother,” Michael saves him from answering, eyes still glinting. “Close as you two have become, I think brother trumps cousin in law.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cousin in law? </span>
  </em>
  <span>When had the Novak’s decided he was part of the family?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His stomach eases slightly when he glances at Cas and finds him looking just as much like a deer in the headlights as Dean feels. At least he and Cas are on the same page. Just then, Gabriel returns with their drinks and a merciful change of the subject.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later that night, while Dean is brushing his teeth, Cas appears behind him in the mirror and wraps his arms around Dean’s middle. Cas tucks his chin over his shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry if they freaked you out earlier. Talking about the marriage stuff.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it,” Dean admits around the toothbrush.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And?” Dean meets his gaze in the mirror. He has just enough booze in his system to confess it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I guess I always figured it </span>
  <em>
    <span>would</span>
  </em>
  <span> be you and me in the end.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas smiles a little, kisses his cheek, and grabs his own toothbrush.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>----</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean grins as he watches Cas emerge from the water, shaking drops of it out of his hair. The sun catches his skin and makes it look golden. A single droplet of water falls from his hair to his temple, and Dean watches it slide down his face. God, he looks good. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” Cas says as he wipes his eyes, completely unaware of the show he just gave Dean, “you were right. You can never be too old for a wave pool.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you’ll find that I’m always right,” Dean tells him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The waves have stopped momentarily while the lifeguards switch their rotation, so the water is relatively calm. That is, until Gabriel appears out of nowhere and body slams Cas back into it. They come up gasping, Cas shoving at him and Gabriel laughing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Asshole,” Cas mutters, splashing him. Gabe just grins. Dean has placed himself a space distance away from the two of them, but in that moment he frowns. They’re missing one. Michael chose to stay with their bags by one of the chairs, but Anael should be with Gabe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Guys,” Dean calls, but the arguing brothers don’t look at him. “Gabriel, where’s Anael?” That gets their attention. Castiel’s head snaps up, eyes scanning the pool closely. Gabe’s eyebrows furrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. I was right next to her, but some guy ran into me when the last big wave hit and we got separated.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Cas’ eyes are wide, his mouth slightly ajar and his nostrils flared. Dean has never seen him like this. “And you just </span>
  <em>
    <span>left</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s a big girl, Cas. I’m sure she’s-” Cas tackles him into the water. Gabe resurfaces, spluttering. “What the hell was that?” Cas shoves him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were supposed to be watching out for her! You--how could you be so--Gabriel!” Dean rushes forward to stand in between them before someone throws a real punch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cas, stop it.” Cas is glaring at Gabe around Dean’s shoulder, completely ignoring him. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Castiel</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” he snaps. That gets his attention, flashing blue eyes finally meeting his own. “Fighting isn’t going to help us look for her. Gabe’s right--stop looking at me like that--she’s old enough to take care of herself, and the place is crawling with lifeguards. I’m sure she wandered off to get a smoothie or to talk to Michael or something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas is disarmed, his shoulders falling and his gaze softening.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine,” he relents. “Let’s go check to see if she’s with Michael.” Dean and Gabriel follow him out of the wave pool just as the waves start up again  Gabe is brooding silently, glaring at the back of his brother's head as though he’s trying to burn a hole in it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anael, as it turns out, did exactly what Dean theorized. When they reach the chairs they find her chatting away with Michael, a smoothie clutched in her hand. Cas doesn’t say anything to any of them, just begins toweling his hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gabe and Michael exchange a look, the kind that only close family can share and genuinely understand. Anael floats over to Dean.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you two get into an argument?” she asks under her breath, sipping on her smoothie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. You scared him, disappearing like that,” Dean explains, trying not to sound accusatory. “At a waterpark.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anael raises a hand to cover her mouth and looks at Cas with big, sorry eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t think--” Dean waves her off, grabbing her smoothie and taking a drink.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Castiel,” Michael says lowly, having just finished a quiet conversation with Gabe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Cas snaps, pulling his shirt over his head. “Dean is taking me to lunch.” All eyes turn to Dean. He could say no, make Cas stay here and talk to his family, but then he thinks about the look in their eye when they’d realized Anael was gone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grabs his t-shirt and nods.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m taking Cas to lunch.” </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Castiel,” Dean says quietly, watching him stare blankly at the menu.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay,” Cas responds without looking up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay if you’re not.” Dean wishes they weren’t in public so he could hold him. Blue eyes squeeze themselves shut. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I-I’ve gotten better about it. I’m just so…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tired,” Dean finishes for him. He nods. Dean can’t help but think about Cas saying the same thing the night of Gabriel’s party, sounding so small. “You’ve been tired, baby. You’re exhausted. Between school, Kelly, your family, and me, you’re being pulled every which way. You need a break.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m on vacation,” Cas reminds him, pressing the heels of his palm into his eyes. Dean laughs a little. “None of those things can be sacrificed. I don’t know what to do. Something </span>
  <em>
    <span>has</span>
  </em>
  <span> to give.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Right then and there, Dean knows the best thing he could do for Cas is leave him. If anything gives in, it should be the boyfriend. But how can he let this go? He thinks of Cas shaking water out of his hair and squinting at him in the sunlight, Cas half asleep on his textbook, Cas popping up from beneath the counter the first day they met. And he’s too selfish to do it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wish I could make this all go away and just let you be happy,” Dean says. Cas blinks at the ceiling a few times before looking at him with watery eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You make me happy.” </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>i love you, but i need to go now. i need to leave. because we’re going to ruin each other</p><p>-redrosepoet</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The drive home is uneventful, for the most part. Cas only argues with him a little bit when Dean insists on being the driver for a few extra hours so Cas can sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they get back, Dean goes straight for his car.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not coming inside?” Cas is wearing a sweatshirt (that was definitely Dean’s at one point, but never even made it to his own campus), his eyes are bleary from his nap, and he has severe bed head. Dean wants nothing more than to miss class again and go inside with him, but he’s barely passing as is.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I gotta get home,” he says. Cas pouts, kissing his cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Quit pouting.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Cas mutters, his bottom lip barely poking out. Dean rolls his eyes at him to cover up the fact that they’re actually succeeding in melting his insides.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>have</span>
  </em>
  <span> to go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Cas echoes again in that same melancholy tone. Dean gets in the car and starts it. Cas doesn’t move. He feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>stupidly</span>
  </em>
  <span> fond of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” Dean says, shifting into reverse. Cas breaks character, a little grin curving his lips upward.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean flips him off as he pulls out of the driveway.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>sam: hey, is everything okay with you and cas?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>yeah, why?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>sam: i called him to ask about something and he kind of freaked out on me.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>??? what did u ask</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>sam: nothing, it’s a surprise for you.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>how do you know it wasn’t the question that pissed him off?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>sam: it wasn’t. it was literally about your birthday</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>did you talk to sam today?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: yes</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>okay, did you yell at him?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: i didn’t yell. i was stressed out. i told him i had to go fifteen times and he kept saying he had one more question.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>he’s seventeen</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: i didn’t mean to lose my temper on him, i’m sorry.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>it’s not me you should be apologizing to</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: you’re right. i’ll call him tonight.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>what’s going on, sweetheart?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: i was just overwhelmed.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>is kelly okay?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: she’s fine. i was trying to turn in an assignment online and kelly kept calling me and sam kept talking and i lost it. i’m really sorry.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>it’s alright, i’m not upset with you i promise. i’m just worried about you.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: i love you.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>i love you too.</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean rests his chin on his hand as he watches the scene unfold in front of him. Cas, with a shockingly cliche bit of flour on his cheek, is watching Mary’s every move intently; he’d demanded that she teach him how to bake a pie ever since the last disaster, and they’ve finally found the time. Dean swings his legs back and forth, his socked feet bumping the edge of the island every time they swing forward.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“See how the toothpick comes out clean?” Mary holds up the toothpick in question and Cas studies it with the air of a scientist discovering a new element, his head tilting slightly and his mouth parting before he nods seriously. She smiles patiently at him before giving Dean a sidelong glance. “That means that it’s ready.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas gives her space as she pulls the pie out of the oven, placing it carefully on the cooling rack and pulling off the oven mitts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s basically what I did when I tried to make mine,” Cas claims, turning to Dean with a frown.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aw, baby, I believe that you believe that’s true.” Dean beckons for them to come close and wipes at the flour on their face. They’re close enough that he could lean forward and kiss the scowl off of their face, but Mary is still bustling around in the same room, and he’s not about to do that in front of his </span>
  <em>
    <span>mom</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Cas seems to follow his thought process and his mouth quirks up in a wry smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How long should we let it cool?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About half an hour,” Mary tells him distractedly, staring down at her phone. “And then we should cool it in the fridge.” She still doesn’t look up. Dean raises an eyebrow and is about to crane his neck to try to see what she’s looking at when she looks at him. “Sam needs a ride home, his just bailed on him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, well, we can go get him--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be silly, I know how hard it’s been for you two to get good time together lately.” They don’t object, but Cas casts Dean a look, their face heating up. “You guys just stay here and relax. I’ll get him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They take the opportunity to nap on the couch. Well, Cas naps. Dean plays with his hair gently and half watches Ocean’s Twelve. It’s been two weeks since they got to spend more time together than just meeting halfway for lunch or dinner and he wants to take advantage of every moment. Cas sleeps until Mary gets back, not waking up until Sam drops his bag loudly on the kitchen floor. They jerk awake, accidentally slamming the top of their head against Dean’s chin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus, Sam, seriously?” Dean gripes, pushing at Cas until he clambers off of the couch and blinks at them all blearily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? I didn’t know they were asleep, it’s like four,” Sam points out. Dean glares at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Sam,” Cas yawns, stretching his arms above his head and giving Sam a kind smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Cas. That’s why I like him better than I like you,” Sam informs Dean, who sticks his tongue out and pulls himself off the couch with a groan. Mary sticks the pie in the fridge and they spend the rest of the time eagerly waiting for the opportunity to cut into it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sam sits with them at the table for a while as Mary asks Cas about school and Dean grabs a hold of their hand, playing idly with their fingers under the table. He wants to lean his head against Castiel’s shoulder, but he’s still not completely comfortable being too touchy in front of his family. He’s barely even paying attention until Mary asks about Kelly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...and the baby? They’re doing well?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’re both doing really well,” Cas confirms, and his fingers tighten around Dean’s hand where it goes slack. “I think we’ve got a good system going now. Actually, next Thursday and Friday we have a whole load of appointments that we decided to schedule all on top of each other, that way we wouldn’t be dealing with them throughout the week.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean’s hand slips and he goes very still, his heart slamming against his chest. Next Thursday is his birthday. Mary’s gaze flits to Dean, eyebrows raised. Sam sits up and frowns deeply at Castiel.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But next Thursday is--” Dean kicks him under the table. If Cas is going to remember, let him figure it out by himself. Dean is tired of being his personal calendar.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Next Thursday is what?” Cas looks at Dean, eyebrows furrowed. “I checked, we don’t have anything planned.” Dean doesn’t say anything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sam,” Mary says suddenly, pushing her chair back. “Come help me clean up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span>? They made a pie and I have to clean it up?” he complains. Mary puts her hands on her hips and gives him a look that has him jumping to his feet and muttering “fine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas is staring at Dean, looking hopelessly lost. Dean shakes his head a little and looks down at the table, pressing the palm of his hands into his jeans for a moment before shrugging.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You really don’t know?” It comes out more hurt than angry, and Cas physically deflates, face full of dread.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I--um--it’s not our anniversary.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Dean confirms. “Not our anniversary.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas pulls out his phone and Dean watches him pull out the calendar app. Thursday the 24th is filled with different times and doctors appointments, void of anything about Dean. Cas looks up, still clueless. Dean nods and pushes his chair back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna help them out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean, wait. Don’t do this,” Cas pleads, grabbing Dean’s hand as he stands up. “What’s on Thursday?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“January twenty-fourth,” Dean says slowly, looking down at him. Cas frowns deeper, and then their eyes widen with the realization. He snorts, pulling his hand from Castiel’s grasp. “It’s fine,” he says before they can apologize.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s not. Your </span>
  <em>
    <span>birthday</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Dean. I’m so sorry.” Cas rubs his face and blows out a distressed breath. Dean is torn between storming off in a righteous rage and sitting back down to assure Cas that it isn’t a big deal. Instead of deciding, he gets caught in between, simply standing over Cas and looking down at him steadily. Not comforting, but not turning away from him completely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We didn’t make plans to do anything,” Dean says after a while, still not sitting back down. “I shouldn’t have assumed--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you should have. It should be a given that I see you on your birthday. Or at least the day after,” Cas mutters, glaring at the table. “I’m sorry that I keep doing this to you,” he whispers. As weak as it is, that’s all that it takes for Dean to sink into the chair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t do that. Don’t tear yourself apart over it, okay? You’ve got a lot going on, I know that--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t make it </span>
  <em>
    <span>okay</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Cas snaps. Dean is taken aback and he instinctively leans away from him. It’s not like he’s the one in the wrong here. If anyone should be losing their temper, it’s not Castiel. “Stop trying to make excuses for this shit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean doesn’t say anything. Sam appears in the doorway again, looking unsure of himself. Dean raises his eyebrows.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry--I just need my bag,” Sam says, wringing his hands as Dean stares him down and Cas glares at the wall next to his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then grab it and </span>
  <em>
    <span>get out</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Sam,” Dean grits out. Sam speedwalks to the other side of the room and swings his bag onto his shoulder quickly before muttering another apology and disappearing again. Dean and Cas sit in silence, Dean staring at the edge of the table and Cas staring at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t get to snap at me,” Dean says finally. “You don’t get to forget my birthday and then shout at me when I try to make you feel better about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean refuses to look at him, so he doesn’t know how Cas reacts, but he imagines that they probably have crossed their arms around themselves. Finally, he doesn’t feel like shit for letting Cas feel bad. He lets it sit. Lets Cas drown in it. For once, he doesn’t say that it’s okay. Because it’s not.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I promised her that I’d go with her,” Cas tells him quietly. Dean sees red.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, god forbid you don’t follow through on your promises.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stands up so abruptly that he chair goes flying back and tips over. He turns on his heel and storms toward the front door. Cas says his name, but he doesn’t give a shit. Not even the sound of his mom shouting after him as he shoves through the front door can slow him down. He didn’t grab his keys, so he shoves his hands into his pockets and sets off down the sidewalk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He goes toward Charlie’s place, only realizing halfway there that he didn’t even bring his phone. Oh well, she shows up at his apartment on campus unannounced all the time. When he reaches the house and bangs on the door, he feels a little guilty about not at least telling his mom when he’d be back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean?” Charlie stares at him, the door pulled mostly closed to fight the cold, only her face sticking out. He raises an eyebrow. She glances over her shoulder. “Benny, Dean’s here!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the--Benny is here? Where was my invite, you assholes?” Dean shoves the door open and Charlie hisses an objection as the cold air follows him inside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We thought Cas was in town,” Benny says from the couch, throwing a pillow at him. Dean catches it and throws it back, nailing Benny in the face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cas </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> in town,” Dean grumps, throwing himself down on the couch dramatically. Charlie lifts his legs up and plops down, setting them on her lap. “He’s at my house with my mom and Sam. And he forgot about my birthday.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, shit. Do you want us to go beat the shit out of him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” Dean covers his face with a pillow. “Charlie, can you text my mom and tell her I’m here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He mopes around the house for an hour or two before deciding to walk home. When he walks into the house, Cas is sitting at the table with Mary, talking quietly. Sam is nowhere to be seen, but there are four pieces of pie cut out of the masterpiece sitting on the counter. One piece is untouched, sitting on a plate in front of an empty chair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both look up at him in surprise when he lets the door slam shut behind him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You ready to head back, Castiel?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas looks from Dean to Mary and back to Dean again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hunny,” Mary says gently, “at least have some pie before you leave.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not hungry, thanks. I’m gonna get our shit--our </span>
  <em>
    <span>stuff</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Dean corrects himself when his mom raises her eyebrows disapprovingly. Cas stares at him hopelessly and Dean takes the stairs to his room three at a time. Sam is standing in the hallway, looking distinctly unsure of himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you and Cas going to break up?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean walks into his room, leaving the door open for Sam to follow. He grabs Castiel’s bag and shoves his stuff into it roughly. After he zips it and moves on to his own, he pauses and looks at his brother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” he answers finally. “I don’t think so, Sammy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want you to break up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, me neither.” He throws a couple of extra shirts into his bag--his keep disappearing in the days following Castiel’s visits, weirdly enough--and slings it over his shoulder. “Wanna grab their bag for me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sam obliges, teetering on his feet a little and grumbling about how heavy it is. They were only there for the weekend, but Cas had packed half of his closet. On the stairs, Sam stops short in front of him and turns around.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, bud?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He doesn’t mean to forget about you. I can tell how horrible he feels about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know that--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But that doesn’t make it any better,” Sam continues, eyes serious. Dean is struck by how old he looks at that moment. “I don’t want you to break up, but if you’re hurting each other...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re okay, Sam. Scouts honor. He ain’t hurting me.” Sam gives him a disbelieving look, but turns back around and heads into the kitchen, tossing Cas his bag a little harder than he had to.  Cas catches it with a soft ‘ooft’ and Dean pretends not to smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You ready?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas nods, grabbing the pie, now covered for the drive, from the table and letting Mary give him a quick hug and a kiss on his cheek. Dean endures the same goodbye, but she grabs his face for a moment, eyes searching his.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He loves you,” she says quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, mom.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s a horrible baker.” Dean laughs, pulling her back into a tight hug.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know. I know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Dean and Cas get in the car, it’s tense and silent. Dean doesn’t try to fill it. It’s strangely liberating, to not be caught up in trying to fix something that he didn’t even break.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It turns out, Sam was calling Cas that day to make sure they didn’t get Dean the same birthday gift. He didn’t need to worry about it, because Sam got him the Led Zeppelin original vinyls he’s been talking about for months. Cas got him a black and white kiss the cook apron, and a lunch where they met halfway in between their campuses at their usual spot.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean tries not to compare it to the steak dinner and trip to a bee farm that he got Cas for his birthday. That was a different time, they were far less busy. Besides, he doesn’t care about presents or fancy meals, as long as he gets time with Cas. Even though the time he got was rushed, and Cas was checking his watch every few minutes to make sure he didn’t miss whatever appointment he’d scheduled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean bites his tongue and takes advantage of the time that he has as much as possible. This will all be over soon, he’s convinced of it. They’ll figure something out, and they’ll make it work. They have to make it work.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>i ordered your flower thingy for you. it matches your suit and it goes with mine, all you have to do is pick it up the morning of the dance.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: thank you :) am i going to attract bees?!!</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>i don’t think so</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: :(</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>you sure you don’t want me to pick it up on my way into town?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>cas &lt;3: i can handle this one thing, dean. you did everything else.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>sounds good :)</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The night of the dance, Cas isn’t waiting for him when he pulls into the driveway and he isn’t in the kitchen. Dean frowns, glancing in Kelly’s room as he walks down the hallway. It’s empty. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cas?” No answer. He finds him in his room, slumped over his desk. He pushes the door open gently, padding over to him as quietly as possible. His mouth is open, his cheek pressed against the pages of one of his textbooks. Dean’s heart aches. Cas looks more at peace now than Dean has seen him in a long time. He can’t find it in himself to wake him up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, my boy,” he says quietly, running a hand through Castiel’s hair gently. He doesn’t even stir. The peaceful quiet is interrupted by Cas’ phone ringing loudly from where it’s plugged in next to the bed. Dean grabs it quickly, turning off the ringer. Kelly is calling. He looks between the phone and Cas. His breath flutters one of the pages of his book. Dean lets the call go to voicemail.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His chest restricts for a panicked moment when he realizes what he’s done. What if it’s an emergency? Kelly could actually need help, or she could’ve somehow gone into labor. The phone buzzes with a text.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>kelly: you want anything from starbucks?</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The sick feeling in his gut subsides as he stares at it. He cannot believe that Cas goes through that every time he misses a call from her. Even though Kelly can’t have any idea how blood chilling it is, Dean feels his first bit of resentment toward her. It fades when Cas shifts, tucking his face into his arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kelly didn’t choose to get pregnant. She didn’t choose for the baby daddy to be a piece of shit. She hasn’t asked Cas to give her everything he has. If anything, Dean knows she tells him to relax half the time. It’s Dean who has the choice. Dean who could walk away right now and let Cas hate him. He could return the tux they rented and disappear forever. One less thing on Castiel’s plate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas stirs again, this time waking up fully and blinking at Dean confusedly for a moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey barista,” he says, his voice rough. For a moment, he wonders if Cas can tell what he’d been thinking about. Then, they smile at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have everything?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas pats down his pockets.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Keys, check. Phone, check. Wallet, check. Hot date,” he grins at Dean, who looks up from tying his dress shoes to raise his eyebrow. “Check. Tickets, check.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Flower,” Dean says. Cas stares at him blankly. “Castiel. The flower that I ordered you that you were supposed to pick up this morning. The only thing you had to do to get ready for this. You picked it up, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His stomach drops. He knew that there was something he was forgetting, but he was behind on assignments and had to pick Kelly up from an appointment and he didn’t even think about it. A shadow passes over Dean’s face, but it goes blank after only a moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” Dean mutters, turning his attention back to his shoes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s not. I’m sorry, it’s just--I have so many responsibilities besides you and-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Responsibilities,” Dean cuts him off. Cas feels his face go pale. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘“No. No, Dean. That is not what I meant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re going to be late.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hang on, let’s talk about this-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t mean to say it like that,” Dean snaps, shutting Cas up effectively. “I get it. It’s fine. Let’s go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Dean</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He is already out the door. Cas blows out a sharp breath, his hands on his head. Dean refusing to argue with him, somehow never getting angry with him anymore even when he definitely deserves it, is so much worse than when they were fighting so often. At least then he’d known he actually cared. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean asks him about his classes. He tells him a story involving Charlie, Fireball, and a blow torch. He asks about Kelly’s recent ultrasound. Anybody who doesn’t know Dean would think that he is fine. Cas knows better. He can see it in the set of his shoulders as he drives.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So Sammy actually jumped off of the roof of the shed. I had to drive him to the hospital on my </span>
  <em>
    <span>handlebars</span>
  </em>
  <span> and--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean, are we going to talk about it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean doesn’t look at him, his face carefully neutral.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. We are not going to talk about it. There’s nothing to say, Cas.” They pull into the parking lot of the venue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Cas says meekly. “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it, okay? Let’s just have fun.” Dean meets his eyes, giving him a small smile. Cas thinks about Gabe’s party and how he’d asked Dean to pretend with him. Pretend that they were okay. Pretend that they could do this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s beginning to doubt that they ever stopped pretending.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Inside the dance, Dean is charming as ever. He greets Castiel’s classmates with a smile and slings his arm around his waist easily. He’s a good actor. They laugh and dance like idiots when the fast songs play, and Dean holds him close during the slow ones. Cas rests his head against his chest, closing his eyes and willing himself to forget that they are pretending.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” Dean says quietly as they turn in a small circle. Cas tightens his hold on Dean’s waist.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They get invited to an afterparty, which they reluctantly agree to attend. They can pretend for a little while longer. They also get asked to bring booze. They agree to that too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the liquor shop, Castiel’s card gets declined. Dean steps forward before he can say anything and pays for it, but he gives Cas a questioning look as he does so. Cas feels sick. He didn’t realize he’d gotten so low on funds. With Kelly getting fired and her new job not paying as well, he has started paying for things without her knowledge. Anything he can sneak under her nose. Apparently it was too much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they get in the car, Dean doesn’t pull out of the parking lot. The conversation that they’ve been avoiding sits between them, each of them waiting for the other to pull the trigger. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t keep spending money on gas to come see you,” Cas mutters eventually, rubbing his hand against his thigh. “I’ve started paying for more stuff for the baby. If you could just come down here more--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean shakes his head, staring straight ahead at the road. Cas watches as he clenches his jaw.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What would you do if it was Charlie?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It wouldn’t be Charlie. Charlie is lesbian,” Dean deadpans, still not looking at him. Cas laughs humorlessly, turning to glare out the window.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When we first found out, you were all for me being a supportive friend.” He hates how small his voice sounds, it makes him feel weak. Especially when the tears begin stinging at his eyes. “‘Said it’s what you loved about me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He feels Dean’s eyes on him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> love that about you. But you’re going beyond friendship here, Cas—“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They don’t have anybody else!” Cas snaps, losing his cool for the first time and finally looking at Dean again. He is gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles are white.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You,” Dean says slowly, in a tone so carefully measured that Castiel’s heart skips a couple of sickening beats, “are not the kids father. And it’s only going to get harder when he is born. Cas, the pregnancy is the </span>
  <em>
    <span>easy</span>
  </em>
  <span> part.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas can’t breathe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Take me home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re almost to the party.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I said take me home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Castiel,” Dean says softly, all the anger and tension from before gone, but Cas waves his hand, as though physically blocking the words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please, Dean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean stares at him, eyes searching Castiel’s face. Cas turns away from him. A few minutes later, Dean pulls a U-Turn.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas cries. Dean pretends not to notice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they pull into the driveway, neither of them get out of the car.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know that we can’t do this anymore, right?” Dean’s voice is soft. “I love you. So fucking much. But we can’t date while you try to raise a baby. It’s too much pressure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas shakes his head. He cried himself out on the drive, now his eyes are dry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you love me, you’ve gotta be here for me through this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cas,” Dean whispers. Cas shakes is head again. His breaths are coming in short bursts. The tears won’t come, though. “You know you can always call me. No matter what. But this is all too much for you. I’m doing this because I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marry me,” Cas says suddenly. He doesn’t know where the idea comes from, but it makes sense. They can’t date while this is happening, but they can get married. Make promises to not give up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Dean asks, incredulous.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marry me,” he repeats, stronger this time. “You love me. I love you. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> I’m ending up with you. You said it yourself. It’s going to be you and me in the end. Why not just get it done with?” Dean is staring at him like he has lost his mind. Maybe he has.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get it done with,” he echoes. Cas cringes. When Dean says it in that tone, it doesn’t sound how he meant it to. “No, Cas.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. Baby, I love you. And this is killing me.” Cas knows the feeling. “But we’re twenty-two, you’re in the middle of a shit storm, I’m not the right guy for this. I don’t-I don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to break up, but we have to, okay? You’ve got to see that I’m looking out for you,” Dean pleads.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marry me,” Cas whispers. Dean unlocks the car door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean?” It’s a question, but he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to know the answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to go inside with you and get my stuff. And then I’m leaving.” He opens the door and gets out of the car. The tears still won’t come.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>please give away the ending. tell me it’s us.</p><p>-perry poetry</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The drive home is a blur. Dean passes under stop lights without even noticing whether they’re green or not. All he can think about is the way Cas was standing in his doorway as Dean grabbed his clothes. His extra toothbrush. His hair gel. All the little things he hadn’t even realized had accumulated in Castiel’s room. He thinks about deciding to leave the Chiefs sweatshirt there, since Cas wears it more than him anyway. He’s still in his suit. The one Cas picked out for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he almost crashes into the car in front of him, he thinks about what Cas would say if he were sitting in the passenger seat. He doesn’t talk to Benny when he walks in the door. Doesn’t answer when Charlie tries to call him on the phone. He kicks his bedside table so hard that the lamp falls and the bulb shatters. He stands in the middle of the wreckage.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>When Gabe slams the front door open, Anael and Michael pile in behind him. Anael’s eyes are watery and her perpetual mischievous grin is nowhere to be seen. Michael is his usual stoic calm, but there’s a deep crease between his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh good. You brought the whole crew,” Cas groans from the couch. Gabe glances at his company ruefully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They insisted.” With that, they converge on the couch, Anael scooting Cas over with a wiggle of her hips and Michael perching on the arm rest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tell us what happened,” he requests in his comforting, soft tone. Cas picks at his fingers as he tries to explain the night's events.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Benny is gathering the shards of glass from the floor as Dean summarizes as best he can. Charlie leans against the wall, listening with a small frown on her lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And then he asked me to </span>
  <em>
    <span>marry </span>
  </em>
  <span>him.” Benny freezes for a moment, looking up at him with wide eyes. “I know. So I told him no and I grabbed my stuff and I tore out of there like a bat out of hell.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You did the right thing, Dean,” Charlie says gently. “Even though it hurts like hell. You guys haven’t been okay for a while now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean looks down at his hands, nodding a little.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would’ve kept trying,” he whispers, eyes filling with tears again. “I would’ve. But he was hurting. You should’ve seen how tired-” He breaks off, rubbing his eyes impatiently. “Now he can focus on the important things.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were important to him,” Benny reminds him, standing with the remnants of the lightbulb in a rag in his hand. “Not to say that you didn’t make the right decision,” he adds quickly. “Just-don’t count yourself out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That was the issue. He couldn’t have gone on like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were hurting too,” Charlie says, pushing off from the wall and sitting next to him on the bed, cross legged. Dean sniffles, letting her lace their fingers together and squeeze them comfortingly. Her hands feel strangely small compared to Castiel’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but I would’ve kept hurting. If it was just me. If I didn’t think he couldn't take it anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Charlie tilts her head down so he will look at her. “I brought booze.” He manages a watery smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re a saint.” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>--------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Kelly walks in just as Cas finishes explaining the way Dean had pulled out of the driveway like he couldn’t get away fast enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” The smile fades off of her face the second she sees the four of them gathered on the couch. “What happened?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas doesn’t answer. He’s done explaining and reexplaining it. He wants it to be done with. He closes his eyes at the thought. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Get it done with? No, Cas.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean and Cas broke up,” Anael speaks up first, giving Castiel a worried look.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, shit. Is he alright?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Cas snaps. Kelly looks at him in surprise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s your fault,” Cas announces, standing up. Kelly stares at him, her hand falling to her stomach protectively on instinct.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cas,” Michael warns. Cas ignores him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>You</span>
  </em>
  <span> and your fucking one night stand with your fucking boss and your fucking doctors appointments and your </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucking </span>
  </em>
  <span>baby. He would be here right now if you hadn’t gone and gotten pregnant, Kelly,” Cas shouts, pointing his finger at her. She takes a step back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What does me getting pregnant have to do with Dean?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do everything I could to help you and you </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> that! You knew I would and you let me,” he's still shouting, tears falling freely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not true,” she counters, eyes alight now with her own anger. “I told you that you were doing more than I ever could’ve expected-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you didn’t stop me. You-you didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>stop</span>
  </em>
  <span> me. I owe you everything and I tried to give you everything and I lost him and I </span>
  <em>
    <span>hate </span>
  </em>
  <span>you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Castiel!” Michael stands as well, grabbing his shoulder and trying to pull him away. He pushes against him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. No-I hate them. I hate you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kelly stands with shocked, wide eyes and stares as Michael grabs Cas and practically shoves him up the stairs. Cas lets himself be propelled up and into his room, breathing hard as Michael slams the door and turns on him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the hell was that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” Dean makes a clumsy grab for his phone as Charlie snatches it away from him. “What the hell?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re tweeting utter gibberish. You can have it back in the morning,” Charlie says unapologetically, tucking it into her pocket. “Besides, I don’t trust you to not drunk text Cas.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Benny returns to the room with a bottle of water and the PB&amp;J sandwich Dean begged him for. He’s frowning at his phone as he closes the door with his hip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What does ‘me at that possibility I do I need you’ mean?” He raises an eyebrow at Dean, who shrugs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I dunno. I’m not even trying to make sense, just trying to catch their attention.” He makes grabby hands for his sandwich. Benny snorts as he hands it to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whose attention?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dunno,” Dean echoes around a mouthful of peanut butter and jelly. “D’you think Cas is okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about him right now-Jesus, Dean, don’t eat it so fast,” Charlie orders, swatting at his arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“M’hungry,” he says defensively. “And sad. And drunk. And single.” He pulls a face. “I don’t wanna be single.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Join the club,” Benny mutters, patting his legs until he raises them enough that Benny can slide underneath, then Dean rests his calves on his thighs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ham and cheese,” Dean orders before he's even finished the last bite of his sandwich.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re joking. You’ll get sick.” Benny throws a stray pillow at him. Dean knocks it aside, narrowing his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just broke up with the boy I thought I was going to marry while he sobbed in my car. I deserve a ham and cheese sandwich.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” It’s Charlie this time, taking his plate out of his hand and replacing it with the water bottle. “Drink.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You two are the worst,” Dean declares, uncapping the water and taking a sip.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>--------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas sleeps all day. Michael doesn’t leave his side until Anael coaxes him out to have dinner, and even then he keeps his eyes trained on the stairs. They eat in relative silence, forks scraping loudly against plates, waiting for something to happen. Cas doesn’t come down. Michael tries to return to his room when he is finished with the dishes, but Gabriel stops him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let him be,” he advises. “We can be here for him when he wants us. Until then, there’s no use hovering.” Michael allows himself to be herded away from the stairs, unaware that Castiel’s phone is going off with the daily alarm he set months ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>ALARM: daily, 7:45 PM</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>CALL DEAN.</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas, mind clouded with almost a full day's worth of sleep, doesn’t think much of it. Muscle memory takes over; he turns off the alarm and dials the number without a second thought. It isn’t until the third ring that he realizes what he’s doing. He almost hangs up, but the ringing stops, and someone is saying his name.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cas? What’s going on? Are you okay?” Dean’s tone is hard to read. Cas can hardly breathe. What the hell is he supposed to say? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oops, sorry, didn’t mean to call you. I forgot you dumped me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um,” he says instead. Wonderful.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Dean demands, sounding like he’s on high alert. Cas closes his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I--yeah. I’m fine. I didn’t mean to call. I wasn’t thinking. It was…” he trails off, afraid that his voice will crack and give him away if he keeps talking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A habit,” Dean finishes for him, like always. Cas takes a slow breath, willing his voice to sound stronger than he feels when he responds.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he says, succeeding for the most part. “A habit. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be. It’s good to hear your voice.” Castiel’s heart kicks in his chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s only been a day,” he reminds Dean. He doesn’t know whether it hurts more to cry alone or to be sitting here talking to him, to have some false hope that Dean will apologize for leaving and rush to his side. Cas doesn’t remember starting to cry, but a tear drips from his cheek to the hand that is clenched in his lap. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Feels like longer, though,” Dean says softly. Cas nods, forgetting he can’t see them. “We shouldn’t be doing this. This just makes it harder to let go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Okay.” He raises his fist to his mouth and bites down on it, hard, so Dean won’t hear him crying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“G’bye, Cas.” He bites down harder. Until he tastes blood. Slowly, carefully, he lowers his hand. He breathes in through his nose, out through his mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Goodbye, Dean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>--------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Anael, Gabriel, and Michael seem to have taken it upon themselves to move in. They take turns on the couch, the other two sleeping on the floor. Cas doesn’t emerge from his room for the first day, after he hangs up with Dean. Instead, they bring him food, his friends send him notes from his classes, Kelly attends her doctor appointments alone or with Anael.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas feels like they’re babying him. He’s pretty sure most people don’t stay shut in their room for two whole days after a breakup. Dean and he dated for less than a year, after all. But they seem to understand that there is something deep in his soul that rejects the idea of living without Dean. Nobody tells him about the numerous fish in the sea. Nobody even tells him that everything is going to be okay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He appreciates it. Still, he can’t find it in himself to delete the alarm from his phone. Every day at the same time, it rings. Some days he wants to cry, others he wants to throw the phone across the room, but more than once, he smiles.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He reconciles with Kelly. He apologizes for his outburst, but she hushes him and asks him to forgive her for not realizing how much she drained from him. They both cry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Two weeks pass without Dean. He’s not happy and he doesn’t lie about it when they ask, but he can say he’s okay without bile rising in his throat. He’s surviving. By the fourteenth day, he is laughing without hesitance again. Gabriel, Anael, and Michael stop hovering around him all the time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t delete the alarm.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>——</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean spends enough time with Jack Daniels that Benny starts cutting him off before he can get a good buzz. Every morning he opens his messages with Cas. Every morning he turns off his phone without sending anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He feels Cas in everything he does. When he cracks a joke under his breath, he can almost hear Cas breathe out a quiet laugh. Sometimes he swears he wakes up to a familiar deep voice saying his name. His phone keeps telling him the quickest route to Manhattan with the current traffic.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lee comes into town on the tenth day. Dean takes him out and buys him a round. Then, he drops him off at his hotel and goes home alone. Once, he allows Benny to drag him to a party. He gets an Uber home when he sees a messy pile of black hair and almost calls out to Cas, but some sophomore turns around and gives him a funny look.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On the fourteenth day, he can’t stand it anymore. If breaking up with Cas was the right decision, he wouldn’t feel like this. He pulls his phone out before he can stop himself and clicks their messages open. It’s almost two in the morning. Cas is probably asleep. He texts him anyways.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>hey, barista. wellness check.</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Castiel is halfway to the hospital when his phone dings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I swear to god,” Kelly gasps from the passenger seat, “if you check your texts right now-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not,” Cas says quickly, pressing his foot down harder on the gas. The engine protests loudly. “Can’t you just...</span>
  <em>
    <span>hold him in?</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to kill you,” Kelly snarls, and something in her eyes makes him believe her. He turns his focus back on the road, pressing down until his toe reaches the floor of the car. “Oh god,” Kelly groans. “It’s too early. He isn’t supposed to come for another month.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s going to be fine,” Cas promises. “He’s just-uh-excited to meet you.” They pull into the hospital parking lot and Cas helps her out of the car carefully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of it is a blur. Doctors, both familiar and completely alien to him, meet them at the door. He tries to keep up with them as they rush her inside, but someone blocks his way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you family?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? No.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you the father?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The...no! But-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can’t go in with her, then. I’m sorry, sir. If you’ll just wait over here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No! We’ve been over this with the doctors, they said anyone could go in with her.” Cas tries to push past the woman, but it’s no use. He has completely lost sight of Kelly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sir, she is getting an emergency c-section. This will not be a normal labor,” she explains patiently. “We allow the father of the baby or a family member into the surgery sometimes, given that they agree to stay out of the way unless they are needed, but since you are neither, you have to stay here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The father is coming,” Cas lies quickly. The woman gives him a thin smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When he arrives, he can go in.” And she leaves him in the stuffy waiting area with the shitty wooden chairs and the kids magazines. It feels like the room is spinning. He pulls his phone from his pocket, planning on calling Gabriel to come pretend to be Kelly’s baby daddy. He has a text from Dean.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seriously</span>
  </em>
  <span>? For fucks sake,” Cas mutters, reading over the text quickly before going to his contact and calling him. It’s the middle of the night, Dean is the only sure shot at someone being awake to come play Father Kline. He picks up immediately. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Castiel?” He almost loses his sense of urgency. It’s been so long since he’s heard Dean’s voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>--------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The name feels good rolling off of his tongue. Like even his mouth has missed forming the syllables.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you drunk?” Cas asks by way of greeting. Dean smiles at the sound of his voice and at the bluntness of the question. God, he misses him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” he says honestly. He keeps himself from adding </span>
  <em>
    <span>for the first time in weeks. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need you to come to Manhattan, Dean.” His smile grows and his eyebrows shoot up. Wow, apparently Cas missed him too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cas, I’m flattered, but I don’t do booty calls with-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, you idiot. I just need you to come here. Now.” Dean sits up, his brain catching up to Castiel’s clipped tone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Woah, what’s going-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Something happened. Kelly is having the baby right now,” Cas explains. Dean blanches, catapulting out of bed and searching for his keys. “It’s-she’s getting a c-section. They won’t let me in because I’m not family or the father.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I’ll pretend to be her brother,” Dean nods, catching on as he scrawls a note to Benny and leaves it on the kitchen table.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Damn it. That would’ve been smarter. I told them you were the father.” Cas curses again. Dean freezes halfway out the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just get here, Dean. Please.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m on my way, baby.” He pauses again when he realizes what he said, his hand on the car door. Cas doesn’t say anything. Dean hangs up. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>If Cas was a better person, he’d be able to say that he is too focused on Kelly to think about himself or Dean or the past two weeks. But when Dean bursts into the hospital forty five-</span>
  <em>
    <span>shit, he must’ve sped the whole way here</span>
  </em>
  <span>-minutes later, it knocks Cas breathless. He doesn’t even register what Dean says at first. Time seems to stop, his legs threaten to give out from underneath him, his hands clench and unclench uselessly at his sides.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s only been two weeks since Cas has seen Dean, they went longer without seeing each other when they were together, yet he feels like it was two years. He can’t find his voice, can’t ground himself enough to listen to Dean’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It isn’t until there is an achingly familiar grip on his shoulder that he slams back down to earth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The...the lady,” he says dazedly. “She’ll take you.” Dean turns quickly, spotting the nurse and rushing over to her. Cas only catches a few words, ‘Kelly Kline,’ ‘c-section’ ‘boyfriend’ and ‘father.’ Dean is gone again before Cas remembers to breathe.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean almost trips as he walks down the hallways, trying to remember his way back to Castiel. He turns the surgical mask they gave him over and over in his hands, trying to remember everything they told him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Update. The baby is stable. He’s small and he cried this pathetic tiny thing when they took him out.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Focus.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kelly. Kelly lost a lot of blood. Kelly isn’t stable. Alive. Serious condition.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas stands up when he sees him coming and meets him halfway across the room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” he says in a way that makes Dean’s chest ache and glow and constrict and soar all at once.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have an update.” It’s the only thing he can trust himself to say. “The baby is stable. He’s tiny, Cas, but he’s stable. They think he will be fine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can see in Cas’ eyes that his silence after that tells them more than they need to know.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about Kelly?” Cas breathes out, swaying slightly on his feet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s alive,” is all Dean says at first. Castiel blinks at him. “In serious condition,” he elaborates haltingly. Cas shakes his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have to go back in there for me,” he begs. “If I can’t be there for her, I need to know that you are. Dean.” Everything in Dean is screaming at him to listen. Anything to soothe the crack in Castiel’s voice and ease the tautness between his shoulder blades. But he can’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They told me to leave,” he confesses, feeling like a complete failure and a fraud. How can he not do this one stupid thing for Cas?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then stay here with me.” There’s a shattered openness in the way that Cas is looking at him now. Like he doesn’t care to pretend that he’s fine because it’s</span>
  <em>
    <span> Dean </span>
  </em>
  <span>and he knows he doesn’t have to pretend to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Part of Dean chastises him for even considering it, thinking about all the times he didn’t text Castiel because it’s easier for the both of them if they don’t do this dance. If they just cut each other off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas whispers for what feels like the fiftieth time. It tugs at his gut. “Stay with me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He says what he’s starting to think he should’ve said two weeks ago. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course. I’m staying right here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>gabriel: what the fuck are you calling me for at three am</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>kelly is in surgery. dean is here</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>gabriel: when worlds collide</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>gabriel.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>gabriel: alright, i’m coming. is dean there as a friend or as a</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas reads the question over and over again and glances at Dean, who is walking towards him with two styrofoam cups of steaming coffee in his hands. He chews on his lip, watching as Dean almost runs into a nurse and steadies her. His blood boils when she giggles apologetically. Isn’t she supposed to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>working</span>
  </em>
  <span>?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean, ever the charmer, lets the corner of his mouth quirk up. It’s a show, one he never really put on for Cas. He didn’t need to. He’s about to say something when his face falters and he looks at Cas, as though he can feel the heat of his gaze on him. The nurse frowns as he excuses himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas rolls his eyes, glaring down at his phone and again and typing ‘he’s here as a friend.’ Dean settles into the chair next to him and hands him a coffee.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Careful, b-” he goes quiet for a moment, eyes fluttering shut and then opening again as though nothing happened. “It’s hot.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas hums, taking a sip anyway and cursing when it burns his mouth. He expects Dean to tease him, but when he looks at him, Dean’s eyes are trained on his phone, where the text with Gabriel is still open. His lips are parted and something flashes across his face. Cas turns it off.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>---------</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas falls asleep for no more than ten minutes. But for eight of those minutes, his head is tilted, brushing just barely against Dean’s shoulder. Dean closes his eyes, too jazzed to sleep, and focuses on the feeling of Cas against him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can’t help but let his mind wander back over the last eight months. Cas would tease him at first, whenever Dean would make an effort to jostle their shoulders together or when he would lean into Castiel’s hand against his jaw gratefully. The first time they employed the words ‘touch starved’ to describe Dean to himself, Dean hadn’t laughed. Cas didn’t tease him after that</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He allowed Dean to play with his hands as they watched movies, running his thumb over Castiel’s palm and pressing his fingers over it, rolling his eyes when Dean would configure his fingers so that he was only raising his middle one. He didn’t comment when Dean’s fingers would find his wrist under the table at dinner and squeeze gently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean feels the pressure of Castiel’s temple against his shoulder so deeply that it takes Gabriel saying his name three times for him to snap his eyes open. Cas wakes up as well and it takes all of Dean’s willpower not to make a noise at the loss when he sits up straight. Gabe sets off to get more coffee for them after giving Cas a tight hug, barely looking at Dean. Fair is fair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean glances at Cas sheepishly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He’s here as a friend</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The idea of it makes his stuttering heart protest wildly. But he owes him this. If a friend is what Cas needs him to be, that is what he will be. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is there anything I can do?” He asks when Cas sits back down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Castiel’s eyes on him are sharp and unforgiving. The mix of anger, exhaustion, and worry getting the better of him. He has never looked at Dean like this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you go flirt with one of the nurses.” He might as well have punched Dean in the face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas doesn’t answer him, gaze leaving Dean to track the movements of a man in a white, long coat walking towards them. Dean recognizes him from the c-section. The doctor zeroes in on Dean and it takes him a second to remember why. They think he is the father.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that…?” Cas asks, rising to his feet. His hands shake at his sides and Dean’s fingers twitch, itching to grab ahold of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>----------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“The father first,” one of the doctors says, stepping behind Dean to block Castiel and Gabriel from entering.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait,” Dean says, his throat thick. He can’t look at Cas. “We want them in here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The drugs are going to put her back under soon,” the man explains. “Really we just need you both to sign the birth certificate,” he indicates the clipboard he handed Dean earlier, “and then you can see your son. Your friends can come in when she wakes up fully.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My-oh, yes. Of course.” Dean nods and turns to face the room, painfully aware of Cas and Gabriel just outside. Kelly has her eyes closed, her face turned away from the door. When he clears his throat, she stirs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cas?” She blinks her eyes open and furrows her brow when Dean approaches the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They wouldn’t let Cas into the c-section,” Dean says quietly, thankful that the doctor is outside with Castiel. “He asked me to pretend--we told them I was the father so someone could be with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” Kelly shifts tiredly. Dean feels hopelessly awkward. They’re not close enough for this. He holds the papers in his hand tightly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We have to sign the birth certificate.” She just looks at him, so he presses on. “What was the father's name? I can't remember. I’ll just sign and pretend to be him-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” she objects, voice already groggy again. He can see her fighting to keep her eyes open. “Don’t put his name.” Dean frowns.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then who…?” He trails off, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. Kelly is looking behind him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One glance over his shoulder shows him Cas standing on his tippy toes, trying to see into the room over the doctors shoulder. Their eyes meet. Dean’s grip on the clipboard tightens. They exchange a look. Cas looks from him, to Kelly, to the clipboard in his hand, and then nods his head the slightest bit. Dean turns back to Kelly and allows her to sign first.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Underneath her name, he writes:</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Castiel Novak</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>you. it will always be you. don’t you get that?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Castiel hovers in the doorway and watches Dean as he leans his head over the incubator. He thinks at first that Dean is talking to Jack, but as he gets closer he realizes that he is singing. It’s a Zeppelin song, he knows that from the countless tracks Dean used to force him to listen to. A small smile grows on his face before he can help himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean has the voice of someone who could be really talented if he tried. Jack makes a small noise and shakes his tiny fist up and down. He hasn’t opened his eyes yet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Starting him early?” Cas asks softly. Dean glances up at him in surprise, breaking off part way through a lyric and smiling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey barista,” he says, voice pitched low and private. This should be the part where Cas hugs Dean from behind and rests his chin on Dean’s shoulder while they look down at Jack together. Like he did that night in Wisconsin. What had Dean said to him?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I guess I always figured it would be you and me in the end.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Instead, he moves next to Dean with his hands shoved in his pockets. They stand in silence, watching little Jack wiggle his arms and legs around tirelessly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t flirting with the nurse,” Dean tells him, sticking his hand through the tiny opening in the incubator and watching in wonder as Jack wraps both hands around his finger.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were,” Cas murmurs, trying to keep his voice steady. “It’s alright. It’s not mine to be upset about anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean looks up at him, but he stares determinedly down at Jack. They go quiet again until Dean pulls his hand out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to let her do this to you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re the one who wrote it.” Dean flinches. “Besides, does he look so bad?” Cas finally meets Dean’s eye, ignoring the way his heart yearns for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is the rest of your life, Castiel,” Dean whispers, eyebrows knitting. The words he doesn’t say are the loudest. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This is it for us, if you go through with it. For good.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If Kelly wishes for me to play house,” Cas replies, his tone hard, “I’ll be there for her. And for him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean’s phone buzzes in his pocket before he can argue. He leaves Cas alone with Jack.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Yeah. Talk to you later.” Dean hangs up and rubs his face tiredly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who was that?” Dean just about jumps out of his skin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus fuck-Gabriel,” Dean gasps, clutching his hand over his heart. “Seriously?” Gabe is leaning against the far wall, ankles crossed, looking as though he’s been there for hours. He grins. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who was it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Benny Lafitte,” Dean mutters, shoving his phone in his pocket. “Chewing my ass for staying here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s looking out for you,” Gabe observes. Dean shrugs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s trying to.” It feels weird to not be completely comfortable while talking to Gabriel, but there is no banter between them today. Dean doesn’t blame him, he broke his little brother's heart; he just hopes Gabe knows he broke his own as well. “Is Cas still with Jack?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gabe shakes his head and answers with a short, “Kelly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They awake?” Gabe nods. “That’s good. D’you hate me now?” He is just sleep deprived enough to meet Gabe’s eyes as he asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Gabe says evenly, pushing himself off the wall. “Get a coffee with me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>---------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas squeezes Kelly’s hand in his, eyes searching her face for any signs of pain or discomfort.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You did it, Kel. I’m so proud of you,” Cas says. “He has the Kline nose, I can already tell.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Castiel.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We don’t have everything we need just yet, but we were as prepared as anyone could expect us to be-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cas, I’m moving to Iowa,” Kelly interrupts, pulling her hand from his grasp. He stares at her, completely dumbfounded. Is she expecting him to move with her to a state he doesn’t want to go to with a baby that he does not want to raise?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My mom lives out there and-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kel, your mom is in a </span>
  <em>
    <span>home</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” he reminds her, incredulous. “What kind of drugs are they giving you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>And</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Kelly presses on, “my Uncle lives out there now. The young one, not the prison one,” she elaborates before he can ask. “I called them the day after Dean left.” She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. “After I realized what this was doing to you...I’ve been planning on moving out there whenever Jack decided to come. I would never force you to do this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But the birth certificate—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was afraid,” she whispers, dropping her eyes to the sheets of the bed. “I was afraid I wouldn’t wake up. I knew if I let Dean write that--that man’s name, he would get custody of a baby that not only did he not want, but that he was ashamed of. I didn’t know what he would do.” Her eyes fill with tears as she looks back up at him. “Oh, it was still selfish to have considered leaving you with a mess like this if I had died.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Castiel’s head is spinning. He is still a little confused, dazed at the thought of living in a different state than Kelly for the first time in their lives, and horribly, devastatingly relieved. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How do we fix it?” he asks breathlessly. Kelly smiles tearily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just a paternity test. I’ll do the rest,” she whispers. “I’m sorry I scared you.” He hushes her, grabbing her hand again and kissing it. “Is Dean still here?” Cas hums an affirmative. They sit in silence for a moment with Kelly watching him carefully before he jumps out of the chair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have to--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Go get him,” she grins. He almost knocks over one of the nurses as he rushes out the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>---------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Gabriel sits back in his chair, crossing his arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean-o,” he says, “why’d you do it?” Dean rubs at the back of his neck awkwardly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We weren’t happy, Gabe. He was burnt out. Something had to give.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I know why you broke up with him. I just don’t understand why you wrote his name on that birth certificate.” Gabriel leans forward, looking as serious as Dean has ever seen him. “You knew more than any of us how fucked up the whole pregnancy situation was. So where do you get off trapping him like this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean is speechless. He isn’t sure whether to feel chastised or defensive or guilty. Certainly Gabriel can’t really be blaming this all on him?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She asked me not to put the real name,” he explains, hearing the shock in his own voice. “What was I supposed to do? Put my own? Gabriel, I don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> Kelly. I’ve spent maybe a grand total of fifteen minutes alone with her. I came here for Castiel, I pretended to be the baby daddy for Castiel. What the hell was I supposed to say when she asked me to do it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you were here for Castiel, you would’ve thought it through,” Gabe counters. Dean scoffs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You think that I didn’t think about what it meant? I lost him when I wrote his name down on that line. He lost the rest of his life. But there has been plenty of time for him to stand up for himself and tell her that enough is enough.” Dean stands up, leaving his coffee untouched. “If you want to blame this all on me, that’s fine. I’ll be the bad guy because it happened to be me who crossed the t’s and dotted the i’s. Whatever helps you sleep at night. But you don’t get to look at me like I’m the only one that fucked him over. I spent almost six months of my life begging him to stop.” He pushes his chair in a little harder than he intended, it bangs into the table loudly. Gabe doesn’t flinch. He storms away.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>--------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>hey, we need to talk. where are you?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>dean: i’m leaving. i’m sorry i put your name on the birth certificate.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>dean just wait.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>please wait i really need to talk to you</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>dean: i’m downstairs. east exit. </b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas only gets lost once, but with every step he takes to retrace his steps, he’s afraid Dean will get tired of waiting. He breaks into a run in the emptier hallways downstairs, ignoring the people who shout at him to slow down. The last corner comes too fast and he skids around it, almost slamming into Dean.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean steadies him, as always, a firm hand on his elbow and one ghosting over the small of his back. When they straighten up, he pulls his hands back quickly. Cas imagines that he can still feel his skin burning where Dean touched him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I should go.” Dean makes as though to turn away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t leave,” Cas says breathlessly. It’s a loaded request, and Dean knows it. Dean always knows what he is trying to say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Castiel,” Dean murmurs. “I can’t-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m in love with you,” Cas blurts out just to shut him up. Dean’s teeth sink into his bottom lip and he inclines his head. “I’m stupid in love with you in this huge way that makes me want to learn how to bake a pie. It makes me feel clumsy and messy and it scares the shit out of me. You are insufferable.” Dean’s mouth twitches up at the corner. “Sometimes you piss me off so fucking much that I wish I didn’t love you. But I do. And I can’t stop.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel the same way,” Dean tells him earnestly, but there’s a resignation behind his eyes that makes Castiel’s heart miss a few beats. “That’s why I have to go. I don’t-I can’t stay here and watch you break your back for them. Seeing you in the amount of pain you’ve been in recently and knowing that I can’t do a damn thing to help...it hurts </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not breaking my back for them,” Cas begins, but Dean cuts him off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You will, Cas. It’s who you are.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Kelly is going to take Jack to live with her uncle in Iowa.” Dean goes still, eyes wide, as though not quite daring to believe what he's hearing. “I’m staying. We’re fixing the birth certificate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re staying,” Dean repeats quietly. Cas nods, wishing he could reach out and touch him but afraid to get his hand knocked away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m staying. And I’m in love with you. So don’t leave.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean stares at him. Cas feels as though the whole world has slowed to a stop. He can hear his heartbeat in his ears. They have to be together. There is no other way. It </span>
  <em>
    <span>has</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be him and Dean in the end. Finally, Dean takes a deep breath, like he just emerged from a deep dive into the water. And he smiles.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s a big, sideways thing that Cas hasn’t seen on him in far too long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kiss me,” Dean demands. Cas laughs as he grabs Dean’s face in his hands and draws him in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It isn’t the world's best kiss. One of them is definitely crying, Cas won’t say who, and they can’t seem to find a rhythm with both of them trying to get closer and get air at the same time. It feels perfect to Cas, though.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He leans his forehead against Dean’s when they break apart, closing his eyes and listening as Dean breathes out his name over and over again like a prayer. Like his is the only name in the world that will ever matter to Dean Winchester.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>whore gang</b>
</p><p> </p><ol>
<li><b> so..</b></li>
</ol><p> </p><p>
  <b>charlie: NAW.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>benny: YOU GOT BACK WITH HIM DIDNT U. LESS THAN AN HOUR AFTER YOU SAID YOU WOULDNT</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>LISTEN. kelly is moving to iowa to raise the kid with her uncle.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>charlie: deadass?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>DEAD.ASS.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>charlie: DEANCAS ENDGAME I KNEW IT</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>i literally have no idea what u just said</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>benny: ITS A GOOD THING</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>OH OKAY THEN YES !!!!! DEANCAS ENDGAME!!!!</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>---------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean watches them say goodbye from the front step. Cas checks and double checks that Jack is buckled into his car seat securely before leaning into the front window to talk to Kelly. They talk for a few minutes, every once and awhile Cas moves as though he is going to let her drive away, but he doesn’t pull his head from the window.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean can’t even imagine Benny or Charlie moving away, let alone someone he sees as a sibling. When Cas finally steps back and waves goodbye, Dean sees him wipe at his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lets him stand alone at the end of the driveway until Kelly is long out of sight before he calls to him. Cas turns, hesitantly, and makes his way towards him. Dean holds his hand out when Cas gets within arms reach and smiles when their fingers weave together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You gonna be okay, baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas hums a noncommittal noise. Dean smiles, drawing him closer and brushing gentle fingers through his hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be okay,” he decides for him. “We can visit.” Cas hums again, pulling Dean into a hug and hiding their face in the crook of his neck. Dean rubs his back softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now you really have to transfer. To keep me company,” Cas mutters, his breath tickling against Dean’s neck. He rolls his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not gonna happen.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Hmph.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>to grow old in.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>yay i hope you enjoyed reading, and i hope the formatting worked out alright :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Cas leans against the hood of the Impala, staring out at the way the sun sets over the field as Dean rubs at his nose dramatically and scrolls through twitter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop adding a red heart to the end of your tweets and acting like it makes them funny,” he grouches, shoving his phone back into his pocket and stretching his arms over his head. Cas frowns at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It does make them funny.” Dean just snorts, cracking his back and groaning like an old man. “C’mere,” Cas mutters, tugging at his sweatshirt until Dean moves willingly close enough that Cas could kiss him if he wants. Dean is still doing his best to look grumpy, a slight crease between his eyes and his lips in a half-pout, but he reaches out anyways and bunches Castiel’s jacket in his hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The box is in his jacket pocket and his heart rate picks up as Dean’s fingers land centimeters away from where he would be able to feel a foreign weight there. His breath must catch, because Dean’s eyes are searching his face questioningly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” His voice has taken on that soft, vulnerable tone he only ever uses when it’s just the two of them and he allows himself to drop the bullshit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhm.” Cas grabs Dean’s hand from where it slides dangerously close to his pocket. He ghosts his lips over the knuckles, watching Dean watch him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“‘S just that you’ve been weird all day,” Dean says quietly. “Jumpy, almost.” Cas smiles against Dean’s hand, linking their fingers together and rubbing his thumb in soothing circles.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay, Dean. Walk with me a little, so we can see the sunset without those trees in the way.” The trees in question are far enough in the distance that they don’t do much to legitimately block their view, but Dean doesn’t complain as Cas guides him away from the car.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If somebody steals my Baby,” he warns under his breath, but Cas just rolls his eyes and bumps him with his shoulder. As they walk, Cas swears the ring box is burning a hole in his pocket. Every time it jostles against his leg, he’s sure Dean is going to notice and ask what it is.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” he says after a while. They’re almost to the spot that they bring Jack to stumble around and try to capture bugs in his chubby little hands. “I’ll race you to the clearing.” His heart pounds desperately against his chest. This is it. This is his chance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What, are we five?” But even as he asks, Dean is letting go of his hand and pulling up the sleeves of his sweatshirt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you afraid to lose?” Cas counters, hoping the banter covers up his nerves.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Readysetgo!” Dean takes off, crashing through grass and weeds. Castiel pulls the ring from his pocket so it won’t fall out and follows at a jog. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean lets out a whooping victory cry as he skids to a stop at the far edge of the clearing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean Winchester has crossed the--” He stops short, half turned around with his arms in the air. Cas is in the middle of the clearing, smiling at Dean. He’s clutching something in his hand and he’s on one knee. “Hey,” Dean says stupidly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas, despite the obvious anxiety in his eyes, quirks his mouth up at the corner.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi,” he responds dryly. Leave it to Cas to be a sarcastic asshole right before he proposes. Dean gets his legs to move forward until he is close enough that he could reach out and touch him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas begins, his voice shaky but clear, “I don’t believe in love at first sight. That’s how I know we must have met in lives before this one. When you walked into Smokey Row that day, I already knew you. And I already loved you. Maybe I didn’t realize then, or I didn’t know how to put a name to what I was feeling after only an hour of really shitty flirting on your part.” Dean laughs breathlessly, teetering on the edge of </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span> and disbelief. “But my heart </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> your heart. When we went on our first date it was exciting and I was nervous, but more than anything it just felt right. Like that was exactly where I was supposed to be. Like I’d been waiting my whole life for you to show up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean bites his lip. He is </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> going to cry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We had shit to deal with. A lot of tests that we passed and a lot that we failed. I didn’t handle some of it the right way.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Either did--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t interrupt me while I’m proposing to you. God.” But there’s a glint in his eye as he continues, “anyways. When you were gone, I felt homesick. Even in my own house in my own bed, I was homesick. Because you weren’t with me. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You </span>
  </em>
  <span>are my home, Dean. You are where I want to be on bad days and good days and everything in between. So marry me, Dean Winchester. Let me be your home too.” And he opens the box.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean forgets himself. Forgets he is supposed to say something. It’s a simple band, gold glinting in the light from the setting sun. It isn’t until Cas shifts on his knee that Dean remembers that it’s his turn.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” he says, even though Cas didn’t even really </span>
  <em>
    <span>ask</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “God, yes. Get up here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas is practically glowing as Dean hauls him up and forward by his jacket and kisses him. He kisses him until his hands start to cramp from how tight he is gripping the denim. When he pulls back, Castiel is fumbling with the ring, trying to get it out of the small box. Dean laughs as it slips over his finger, snug and feeling for all the world as if it’s meant to be there. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>They stand at the altar, Dean’s hands shaking where they grip the paper. Castiel’s are steady, but he is paler than he was the night that he got food poisoning from the mall sushi cart (Dean </span>
  <em>
    <span>told</span>
  </em>
  <span> him it would happen).  Michael, who got ordained three days ago, tells Dean he can read his vows. He takes a deep breath, and then another. The words won’t come, even though they are written out right in front of him. All he has to do is read. His heart sinks in his chest. His mouth opens and closes uselessly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas says, so quietly that no one else can hear him. Dean tears his eyes from the paper and looks at him. The second he meets Castiel’s gaze, he breathes easier. “It’s just you and me,” Cas tells him. Dean nods, taking another deep breath and looking back to the notecard. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Today, I give you the rest of my life, if I haven’t already. I promise to always be there when you start your day, and to always be there when you end it. I promise to never learn anything about coffee so you can keep making me popular drinks and telling me you came up with them yourself. I promise to never let our story get too boring, even when we are old and smelly and cranky, even if it means stirring the pot a little. I swear that whatever challenges are yours will be ours; there is no burden in this life that you will have to shoulder alone. Wherever you go, I shall follow like a lovesick puppy. Your joys will be our joys, and your student loans shall be our student debts. I vow to be by your side through your darkest hour and to remain there when the sun rises again. I vow to love you always. I’ll even stick by you when you somehow manage to make pie taste like shit. I am yours today, tomorrow, and always, for as long as you will have me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He slips the wedding band over Castiel’s finger with shaking hands. Cas smiles so gently at him that he feels a blush creeping up the back of his neck and he drops his gaze.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Castiel,” Michael says, “your vows.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas nods and clears his throat, eyes flicking down to his notecard. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Today, I give you the rest of my days. I swear to keep my promises and to love you with everything I have. I cannot promise you that I will not make mistakes, but I can swear that I will always do my best to recognize and correct them. I vow to keep trying to bake you pies until I get it just right, and I vow not to smother you with a pillow when your snoring gets too loud. I will hold your hand through everything we now face down, for the rest of our lives. I will love you when you get old and smelly and cranky, and I will love you after. In every life, in every universe, I will search for you. If I die and return as a bird, I will find you and sing. If I die and return as a butterfly, I will find you and land on your finger. Always, I will find you and always I will love you. Today, I offer up both my outstretched hand and my heart to you, although you already hold both. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He secures the ring on Dean’s finger and doesn’t let go of his hand. Michael is saying something, but Dean can’t hear him. In fact, he has forgotten that there are other people in the room at all. It’s lucky that Cas seems to be focused enough to hear Michael tell them to kiss, because Dean would’ve been standing there for hours before he realized they were supposed to do something. Now, he lets Cas draw him close and kiss him. He kicks his heel up, smiling into the kiss when the guests laugh. They’re married. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>------</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean puts a finger to his lips and passes the beer bottle to Jack, who grins at him as he grabs it. Cas is bustling around in the kitchen, muttering about food sticking to pans.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’ll be pissed if they see,” Jack points out, but he twists the cap off and takes a sip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s alright,” Dean assures him, raising his own bottle to clink the necks together. “It’ll be me who gets in trouble.” Jack doesn’t even get to take a second drink before the bottle is pulled from his grasp.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas complains, his voice low and rough with age. “Seriously? He’s not twenty-one.” Dean feigns surprise, his eyes going comically wide.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know! Jack Kline, why didn’t you tell me?” Dean, crows feet crinkling with a smile, winks at Jack as Cas turns on him. “I could’ve sworn you were of age.” Jack stares at him, shocked, betrayed, and completely at a loss for words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He--I--Uncle Cas! He’s lying,” Jack insists. “Look! Look at him, he’s laughing at me.” The second Cas turns back to Dean, he arranges his face into a stern frown. Cas raises an unimpressed eyebrow, and Dean looks innocently back at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been married to him for almost twenty years, Jack, I know he’s lying.” Cas shakes his head, taking a sip of the bottle himself. “You two are going to be the death of me, I swear. Your mother will never let you come back here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My birthday is in like two weeks,” Jack reminds him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just two weeks, Cas,” Dean pipes in, but when Cas narrows his eyes, he sits back in his chair and raises his hands in surrender.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“In two weeks you can visit and Dean can give you a beer,” Cas says stiffly. “Until then, there’s pop in the fridge.” Jack sighs, heaving himself up from his chair and heading for the kitchen. Cas takes the seat opposite Dean, frowning at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know,” Dean begins lightly, “sometimes I still expect him to call me ‘unca D.’” Castiel’s gaze softens around the edges. His blue eyes, just as vibrant as they were twenty years ago, shine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me too,” he agrees. “I don’t like that he’s getting older. That means </span>
  <em>
    <span>we</span>
  </em>
  <span> are getting older.” Dean shakes his head, waving his hand dismissively.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re still young and sexy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re forty.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why do you hate me?” Dean sets down his beer as he asks, and Cas bites his lip to keep from smiling too wide.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How much time do you have?” Cas leans across the table toward him, close enough that Dean can see the few greying hairs that stand out against the stark black. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You love me,” he counters. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh? I thought I hated you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Asshole.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You love me,” Cas echoes in a mocking yet somehow endearing tone. Dean tries to glare, but he’s pretty sure it comes off as more of a pout. He is saved from having to come up with a witty reply when Jack walks in, a Coke in hand, and looks at them disapprovingly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m leaving in like two hours, can’t you save the flirting until then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They laugh and Dean leans back in his chair again, but he knocks his shoe against Castiel’s idly under the table as they talk. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-----</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas climbs into bed next to Dean and smiles as he rolls over to cling to them, half asleep. Physical contact is still Dean’s love language. He’s not a boy anymore, his hair thinning at the back and wrinkles on his forehead that no longer go away when he is relaxed, but he snuggles up to Cas just as he always used to. When Cas drifts off to sleep, he dreams of the beginning. Of Dean’s cheeky grin, his pinky grazing the back of Castiel’s hand, questioning gazes, long drives. He sees numbers written across tanned skin in highlighter, coffee spilled over notebooks and laughing apologies. He feels the thick mid-July in Kansas heat against his skin, even at two AM, as he drops down from his window and creeps toward Dean’s car, headlights off in the driveway. He dreams of their story.</span>
</p>
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